The Boyfriend (1)

At the health club, people are working out...and they're training, getting in shape...but strangely, nobody's really getting in shape for anything.

The only reason that you're getting in shape...is that so you can get through the workout.

So we're working out...so that we'll be in shape for when we have to do our exercise.

The other thing I don't get is why we're so careful...about locking up our dirty towels and smelly jockstraps.

What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym clothes?

I'll give my car to any guy in front of a restaurant...because he's got a short red jacket.

But my stinking, putrefied gym clothes...I got one of these locks...you could put a bullet through it and it won't open.

Wide open! I was wide-open underneath. I had three inches on that guy.

See, you two were hogging the ball. Me? It wasn't me. I never even saw the ball.

All you do is dribble. I have to dribble. If I give it to you, you just shoot. You're a chucker.

Oh, I'm a chucker. Every time you get the ball, you shoot. I can't believe you called me a chucker.

No way I'm a chucker! I do not chuck. Never chuck! Never have chucked! Never will chuck! No chuck!

You chuck. -Kramer, am I a chucker? -Oh, you're a chucker.

My God, I'm a chucker.

All these years, you never told me? -It's not an easy thing to bring up.

Hey, you know, this is the first time we ever saw each other naked?

Believe me, I didn't see anything. Oh, you didn't sneak a peek? -No. Did you? -Yeah, I snuck a peek.

Why? -Why not?

Yeah, I...snuck a peek. But it was so fast, I didn't see anything. It was just a blur.

I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't wanna have.

Look at this guy. Does he have to stretch in here?

You know who that is? That's Keith Hernandez. Keith Hernandez, the baseball player?

He's a real smart guy too. He's a Civil War buff. Wow, I'd love to be a Civil War buff.

What do you have to do to become a buff? So Biff wants to be a buff?

Well, sleeping less than 18 hours a day would be a start.

Hey, should we say something to him? Oh, I'm sure he loves to hear from fans in the locker room.

He's Keith Hernandez. You're Jerry Seinfeld. So?

What, you're comparing yourself...to Keith Hernandez? The guy's a baseball player, Jerry, baseball!

What, you're making some wisecracks in a nightclub?

The guy was in game six, two runs down, two outs, facing elimination!

Excuse me. I don't want to disturb you. I'm Keith Hernandez. And I just want to tell you what a big fan I am.

Really? I've always wanted to do what you do. Do what I do?! You're one of my favorite ballplayers of all time!

You know, Keith, what I've always wondered is...with all these ball clubs flying around all season...wouldn't you think there'd be a plane crash?

But think about it: 26 teams, 162 games a season. You'd think eventually, an entire team would just get wiped out.

Well, it's only a matter of time.

Who's this chucker?

It's been three days, and he hasn't called.

Well, maybe you should call him. I can't. I can't. Why not? I just feel like he should call me.

What's the difference? You don't understand, Elaine. I don't want to be overanxious.

If he wants to see me, he has my number. He should call.

I can't stand these guys. You give your number to them, and then they don't call.

Why do they do that? I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I really thought he liked me. We were getting along. He came over to me. I didn't go over to him.

Why did he come over to me? I mean, here I meet this great guy, this ballplayer...best guy I ever met.

Well, that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again.

You know, maybe he's been busy. Maybe he's been out of town. Oh, what, they don't have phones out of town?

I love how people say they're too busy. 'Too busy.' Pick up a phone! Takes two minutes. How can you be too busy?

Jerry, he's a guy.

I know, but this is all very confusing. When you're in your 30s, it's very hard to make a new friend.

Whatever the group is you've got now, that's who you're going with. You're not interviewing, not looking at any new people.

If I meet a guy at a club or a gym: 'Hey, look, I'm sure you're very nice. You seem to have a lot of potential. We're just not hiring right now.'

When you're a kid...you can be friends with anybody. If someone's in front of my house...that's my friend. They're my friend. That's it.

Are you a grownup? No? Great. Come on in! Let's jump up and down on my bed!

You like cherry soda? I like cherry soda! We'll be best friends!

You know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol? It's not so much the looking...as the listening.

I listen for work. As I'm looking...and listening-- I'm also looking. You cannot discount looking. It's a combination. It's looking. And listening. Listening. And looking. But you must look.

Specific. Let's see....I've walked in and out of so many buildings. They all blend in together.

One name. Absolutely. Let's see, there's....Vandalay Industries.

Latex. Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol.

The selling of latex and latex-related products.

They just wouldn't give me a chance. Damn it!

You like gum? Because I have a friend in the gum business. I got a gum guy!

I make one phone call, have boxes of gum delivered right to your door.

Vandalay is...129 West 81st Street. It's a very small industry, Vandalay.

That's...KL5...8383. Are you planning on calling them soon? Because they have very strange hours.

Jerry, he's a guy.

See the baby. Again with the baby. Can't they just send us a tape?

Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore. Then you won't have to see it. Because he'll be all grown-up.

It's too busy. You're trying too hard to make an impression on him. You're not being yourself.

Keith...Hernandez. Keith Hernandez! Keith Hernandez!

You know what? Bad mistake. My mistake. Go back. Your lane was better. Forget this lane. This lane stinks. Go back to your lane.

That's it! Get out! What do you mean, get out? Get out of the cab! What? I'm not getting out of this cab. No! No! You cannot throw me out!

I hate Keith Hernandez. Hate him! I despise him.

June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies. We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right-field stands...when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door...to a five-run Phillies ninth. Cost the Mets the game! Our day was ruined.

As he passes us, Newman turns and says, 'Nice game, pretty boy.'

Then, a second later, something happened...that changed us in a very deep and profound way...from that day forward.

He spit on us! And I screamed out, 'I'm hit!'

Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me.

Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict...the whole premise of your account.

Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Ms. Benes...as I've heard this story a number of times.

The spit then proceeds to ricochet...off the temple, striking Newman between the third and the fourth rib.

The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses...in midair, mind you...makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh.

That is one magic loogie.

Well, my head...went back, to the left. Say that again. Back and to the left. Back and to the left.

That there had to have been a second spitter.

Behind the bushes, on the gravelly road.

But that's not what they would have you believe.

The sad thing is, we may never know the real truth.

I was at the unemployment office. I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandalay Industries...and I gave them your phone number.

I'm Vandalay Industries? Right. What is that? You're in latex. Latex? Right. What do I do with latex? I don't know! You manufacture it!

Right here in this little apartment? And what do I say about you? You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman.

I don't think so. Why would I do that? Because I asked you to.

If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit...pushing papers around, you can forget it. I've got enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff.

Should I shake his hand? You want to catch a movie this weekend? Have you seen JFK?

This weekend. Wow! Sure. That would be great. Damn. I was too overanxious. He must have noticed that.

Go ahead, shake his hand. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I've been on The Tonight Show.

Oh, Jer, by the way...the woman we gave a ride to earlier....Elaine. Yeah. What's her story?

I don't know. We used to go out. Would you mind if I gave her a call? For a date? Yeah. Oh, no....Go ahead.

What kind of a shake does he have? Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. Didn't have to prove anything, but firm enough to know he was there.

What date? It's a guy.

He's supposed to see me on Friday. We made plans! Well-- I'll cancel it. No, don't cancel it.

I've never seen you jealous before. Well, you're not even a fan. I was at game six. You didn't even watch it.

Wait a second. Wait a minute. Are you jealous of him or are you jealous of me?

Vandalay Industries. Kell Varnsen speaking.

If you don't see the baby now, you're never gonna see her.

What delay industries? No! Vandalay! Say Vandalay! No, you're way, way, way off!

And you want to be my latex salesman.

I hope you don't mind my saying, she is breathtaking. You think so? Would you take this picture away from me? Just take it away. Get it out of here.

You trying to make a joke, Mrs. Sokol? It's not funny. I can tell you that. I'm serious. She doesn't.

Unemployment, it's a tough thing. Even if you get a job after you've been unemployed...they take unemployment out of your check every week...and show it to you in that little box.

How good can it be for your confidence that every paycheck...has the word 'unemployment' on it?

He's down there every week waiting on the lines and getting interviewed...and making up all these lies about looking for jobs.

If they had any idea the effort and energy that he is expending...to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

The guy is doing a tremendous job...not working.

Do you love her? Yes, I do love her. You have a very nice place here. So who do you think she looks like? Lyndon Johnson.

What? Lyndon Johnson? He's joking. No, I'm not joking. She looks like Lyndon Johnson.

Billions and billions.

But it's Saturday. All the offices are closed. I got me an appointment with a hardware store.

I'm not saying I want to do it for the rest of my life...but hardware fascinates me. Wouldn't you love to make a key?

Will I call you when I get home? What do you think? You kill me. You really kill me.

Nobody ever wants you to come over and see their grandfather, do they? 'You've got to see my grandfather. You've got to see him. He's so cute. 168 pounds, 4 ounces.'