The Parking Space

In parking lots, they have this 'compact car only' spot. Isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot... that's my business.

There are people with real asses hanging out of their pants. Nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, 'Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans. You can't pull that in there.'

I got bad news for you, buddy. I think your car got stolen again.

What's the difference? / Well, there's no difference. You know, I'm just curious. / Always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?

If I don't tell you, it'll kill you, won't it? / Yeah, yeah. It'll kill me. / You have to know. / You must know. / I must know.

Well, I'm not telling you. / Come on. / Nope. I don't think so. / Well, please? / Not today, pal.

Now, see, just saying 'beg' doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.

All right, but your begging needs a lot of work.

Why didn't they ask me to go? / Would you stop it, already? / Why didn't they ask me to go? / I don't know! How am I supposed to know? / What, they don't like me? / I don't like you.

All bald people look good in hats. You should have lived in the '20s and '30s. Men wore hats all the time then. What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

What if I meet a woman? I'd always worry about that first moment where I take it off... and see that look of disappointment on her face.

Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you got problems.

Come on. What'd he say? / Why is that? Why do you have to know everything?

And I don't want you to say it. I want you to put some beg in it. Go on.

I'm not saying anything. I'm putting it in the vault. I'm locking the vault. It's a vault!

He thinks you're a phoney. / He what? / I told you. He thinks you're a phoney. / A phoney? He called me a phoney? / A big phoney. Big one.

Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything? / You begged me.

You had to move the mirror. I wanted to check out my sunglasses. Went to look in the mirror, it was gone. You threw off my equilibrium.

Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on.

Nobody in my family can pay for parking. It's a sickness. My father never paid for parking. My mother. My brother. Nobody.

It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay when, if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

Dreams can come true. What did I tell you? You didn't even have to take it out to dinner.

I wish you could make a living parallel parking.

It's all geometry, knowing all the angles... when to make that first turn and when to... swing it back in. That's the key.

There's nothing I can impart to you. That's the sad thing. It's so inborn. I can't pass it on.

I'm not sneaking! I didn't even know you were parking. You were just sitting there.

But I'm backing in, you can't put it in headfirst! / I can if I have room!

Make sure he reserves the good chair for me.

We were at the tollbooth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay? And there were these, like, this pack... of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?

George is such a great driver. / He is? / He is fantastic.

And then they fired a gun right up in the air! / A gun? / I think it was a gun.

By the way, the car hit a pothole, and now it's making a clanking noise.

Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that... That's the important thing. / Exactly.

Crazy kids, huh? / What?

It's my cuticle.

What's the difference? / Because I know him too... and probably a lot better than you. / Well, bully for you.

Yeah. He's a real phoney.

I'll sleep in my car if I have to. I'll die out here.

25-percent bran flakes. The 40 percent was too much, so I found a store to make it special. They take it down another 15 percent.

Front-first. That's how you park when you're pulling a bank job.

I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us... and they followed us into the city.

You are a genius. It's as simple as that. / What can I say? You know, it's a gift.

I only wish I could teach you, but, you know, it's inborn.

People forget. Look at Home Alone. They forgot.

Judgment, Jerry, judgment. You exercise no judgment!

I'm sorry. I don't care for that sorry. / What's wrong with that sorry? That was a good sorry. / It was a so-so sorry.

I got a truck full of ice cream here!

Amazing how they pick you out of everyone to terrorize. / Yeah. I know. I said to myself, 'Why us?' You remember?

I couldn't help it! Elaine moved the mirror! I got discombobulated! / Like you've ever been 'bobulated.'

No, I never said I was a good driver, I said, I was a good parker. / Parker. I never said driver. I said, parker. Great parker.

Why is it every time you park a car in this block... everything gets disrupted and disjointed?

I'm making a stand here. I'm saying no to headfirst parking! We put up with too much crap in this city! We're not putting up with headfirst parking!

You're not even old enough to drive, you little puke. / You just spit on me! / Don't you raise your voice to me. You're not my father!

I hear your father's closing his store. / What? / No. Nothing. / What's happened to Daddy? He's going out of business? / We're not going to have any money?

Congratulations. / What for? / Well, you're pregnant. / What? / You're not pregnant? / No, I'm not pregnant. / Are you sure you're not pregnant? / Yes, I'm sure!

Once I open the vault... it ceases to be a vault.

It reduces us to jungle law.

There! There it is! Run!

Man, that Michael Jordan is so phoney.

Wait a second. Why can't he go in headfirst? / He said the guy was just sitting over there. / What are you talking about? This guy was here first. / But he didn't take it. / Hey! It's his space! / No, it's his space!

You'll have to go to work! / I don't have a job! / Neither do I!

People will kill each other for a parking space in New York.

It's like musical chairs, except everybody sat down around 1964.

They're not making any new spaces. That's what they should work on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the auto show, they got that big revolving turntable... and there's nothing on it. 'New from Chrysler: a space.'