The Visa

They never hire anyone between the ages of 15 and 80. The girl that sells you the tickets, she's 10. Then there's the guy that rips it, he's 102.

Took you 80 years to move 3 feet.

Do you have a ticket? - No. - Okay. Good.

Why do they call it 'athlete's foot'? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. My father gets it all the time and, believe me, he's no athlete.

When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed...and that tear started to roll down his cheek, I lost it.

I once had the fleece ripped out of my winter coat...in a seat-saving incident.

When I asked you before if you had a ticket, you said no. - I didn't. My friend was getting it. - That's good. It's good to be accurate.

It's not a theater. It's a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films.

The whole atmosphere stunk from fish. You know that fishy smell I'm talking about? - Yeah, yeah. The fishy smell. - To this day I won't eat fish. - Do you eat fish? - Yes! Yes, I eat fish! - I don't know how you eat that crap.

Jerry, I want you to do me a favor: No more fish. - Okay. I get your point. - I have a point?

Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie...if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Or I could take the 20, and I could pay you later. - Yeah, you could. - Might be easier. - Well, how's that easier? I mean, then you would owe me $12.50...instead of me owing you $7.50.

George, you're sapping my strength.

I wonder how Ike Turner would react in traffic. 'You better move that car, girl, before I bust you up.' And what about Jose Feliciano? 'It's not bad enough that I can't see, I have to sit here for two hours. I don't think so.'

Jerry, don't start up with me. - I gotta get out of this cab. - But, Jerry, we're riffing. - No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring. Do you understand the difference?

No, taken! Taken, taken. I'm getting the hang of it.

You see a guy who's about 5 foot 11...he's got a big head and flared nostrils...tell him his friend's gonna be right back, okay?

Have you seen a guy with, like...a horse face, big teeth and a pointed nose? - Flared nostrils? - Yeah. - Nope. Haven't seen him.

Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months? - Your trench coat in my closet? - Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills. I'm afraid to open the door.

Really? Do you mean that? - No, I don't.

But you like the athlete's-foot bit, right? - No. No. I was kidding. It was terrible.

There was a short guy with glasses...looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon head. But he left.

And then last night, he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us. He was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line.

Excuse me. Excuse me. - What's the problem? - You're talking. - It's the coming attractions.

I'm going to the movies for 25 years, nobody ever asked me for the stub. - You don't remember me? - It's a big city, sir.

You know, short, big wall of hair, face like a frying pan.

Elaine? - Shut up!

A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.

What's the difference? - Well, we have three sizes: medium, large and jumbo. - What happened to the small? - There is no small. Small's medium.

So, what's medium? - Medium's large, and large is jumbo. - Okay, give me the large. - That's medium.

Do adults ever order the child-size? - Not usually.

Do you want butter? - Is it real butter? - It's butter flavoring. - Yeah, well, what is it made of? - It's yellow.

You just let me in. We just had this exact conversation a minute ago! - I need to see your stub.

Yeah, I'm very sorry. You give me a few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline. - Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? - No. Impossible. It is on empty. See.

Come, come, you're soaking wet. Come in. My name is Rochelle. I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. - Yes. Come by the fire. Take off those wet clothes. You'll catch cold.

Have you seen a tall, lanky doofus...with a bird face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein?

Sorry. - Great. That's great. What a night.

That athlete's-foot bit killed. - Really? - You think I need to lose some weight? - Weight? No. You just need some height.

Minsk? - My father was a shoemaker.

Give me a break! - Elaine? - Jerry. - Elaine. - Shut up. - Jerry? - George? - Elaine? - George.

I sat in gum.

But I didn't even use the ticket. - I still paid for it.

You took my seat? - You owe me $7.50. - Yeah. Right.

But I always get confused in the movie theater by the plot. It's embarrassing to have to admit, but I'm the one you see...in the parking lot, after the movie, talking with his friends, going: 'You mean, that was the same guy from the beginning?'

Nobody will explain it to you. In the theater, you can't find out. 'Why did they kill that guy? Why did they kill him? Who was that guy? Who was that guy? I thought he was with them. Wasn't he with them?'

Why would they kill him if he was with them? - Oh, he wasn't really with them. - I thought he was with them. - It's a good thing they killed him.