Jack Klompus

And scuba diving. Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? For fun. For fun?

You're gonna do one of your little comedy skits tomorrow.

I owe you $19.45. What did you have? You had the minute steak. Yeah. Did you have a Coke or what? I did not have a Coke.

All right, make it 20 bucks. It's $19.45, Morty. $19.45?

Oh, this is an astronaut pen. It writes upside down. They use this in space.

Because a lot of times I write in bed and I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work.

Take the pen. Oh, no. Go ahead. I couldn't. Take it. I can't take it. Do me a personal favor. No, I'm not comfortable. I cannot take it. Take the pen. Are you sure? I'm positive. Take the pen.

You know, Jack, you got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. This happens to be my pen. He practically begged me for it.

Of course I wanted it! I love sponge cake. Who said you couldn't have it? Because I saw the look on your face last week when I took the Scotch tape.

So you got the Scotch tape. I've been looking all over for it. I'll give it back. I don't want it. I don't want it!

A man who slept more hours on the job than Ronald Reagan.

Being president of the condo is not easy. It requires hard work, dedication, and commitment. And unfortunately, he possesses none of these qualities.

The hiring of incompetents.

But we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk it put Mrs. Ziven out of commission for a few weeks.

You broke my dental plate. You son of a bitch. I'll sue you.

Jack, it's Morty. Who died?

My idiot son could open that garage door. What did I do?

Who died? Nobody died. Jack, I want you to do me a big favour.

You think you're gonna sell those old crappy raincoats? That's garbage. I guarantee you, Doris won't let him mail those boxes.

You know, I still got that pen, the one that writes upside down. Yeah. I should have kept it.

Get the hell out of here with your knob! What does he want from you? My idiot son could open that garage door. What did I do?

Take the pen. Oh, no. Go ahead. I couldn't. Take it. I can't take it. Do me a personal favor. I'm not comfortable. I cannot take it. Take the pen. Are you sure? I'm positive. Take the pen.

Do I have to take a ride? - He doesn't wanna take a ride. - What do you think, I've never ridden in a Cadillac? Believe me, I have ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. - Thousands.

Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds from the treasury. - Stealing? - What proof do you have? - Proof? You want proof? He's driving around in a brand-new Cadillac.

We all saw his act last year at the playhouse. He's lucky he can pay his rent. - Jack's right. He stinks. - It's his material.