Aint No Business Like Show Business

Hilary · Phil:Look, I was thinking, you know, this week, maybe we could... get in a game of tennis at the club and maybe do lunch? - You and me? - Yeah. Good one, Daddy.

Carlton:Needy father alert.

Ashley:What we're saying is, here's $10. Go to the movies. Run!

Carlton:Dad's pretty quick for a big guy. I mean, he kept up with the car for a whole block.

Hilary:He couldn't help it. He got his coat stuck in the door.

Carlton · Will:Wow, Will, clean clothes. What, is your probation officer stopping by?

Carlton:Yeah, well, I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'So what?'

Will:And I think I speak for myself when I say, 'Uncle Phil, they in here!'

Will · Phil:Well, see, I was wondering, since I'm not part of the immediate family... I was wondering if I was immune... Sit down, Will.

Will:I'm gonna sit down right here... in the non-immediate family section of the living room. And I'm gonna shut up on my way down. Watch.

Phil:Now, you listen, and you listen good. We are a family. I know this because I pay the bills.

Carlton:Jawohl, mein Fuehrer!

Phil:and I'll think of a few more things as soon as I finish watching those Cosby reruns.

Geoffrey:I love my work. Excuse me, I need to call my therapist.

Will:Look, Uncle Phil, please, if you let Keith stay here... I promise I'll stop making them 976 calls on your car phone.

Will:Okay, if you let him stay... I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese and I'll tell the head rat it's your birthday.

Will · Phil:I'll go to an out-of-state college. Keith, my boy, welcome.

Keith:Sound like what black people buy when they got too much time on their hands.

Keith:From the time we was in kindergarten, every thing we did... I always beat you like you stole something.

Will:Kind of like you just beat me now, huh?

Keith:Telling jokes... See, that's what your drunk Uncle Lou do at weddings.

Will:He has an inner ear problem. That's why he always be sliding out of his chair.

Keith:All your life you just been funny-looking.

Keith:I mean, look at them big old ears. Lean over that way and tell me what's going on in Somalia.

Will:Well, if I couldn't find my way to Somalia, I could follow that big map on your head.

Keith:Look at them big teeth, all big and spaced out. What you floss with, a jump rope?

Will:I think you going to have to pay me to laugh at that one, bro.

Geoffrey:I'm off duty. You can talk, but I don't have to listen.

Will · Geoffrey:Two gorillas go into a bar, right? - Not.

Will:Hey, girl... you look so good, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family.

Will:Yo, man, you see that? That's called the I-want-Will walk.

Keith:Hey, girl! Why don't you stand up and wrap your arms around a real man?

Will:Excuse me, miss, is this abrasive Negro bothering you?

Will:Now, you look here, buddy. You have no business bothering this sweet young lady. Now you apologize and don't make me take off my belt.

Keith:Not the belt, man. I'll be cool.

Club Owner · Will:You. - Me? - You a comic? I don't know you. Yeah, I'm known all over this town. I'm Shecky. Shecky Shabazz.

Will:Yabba dabba do, I'm in the showcase, too!

Phil · Hilary:It's wonderful spending time with one's family. - Daddy. - Yes, dearest? I'm feeling nauseous.

Phil:I am, too. Let's take a break, kids.

Phil:Maybe I should have just sent you to Camp Funnypants.

Will:I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian.

Phil:They named him Sinbad! He had two options: Pirate or comic.

Will:Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger than both of us. Sort of.

Will:Uncle Phil, this thing is bigger than both of us. Sort of.

Keith:This ain't nothing but a joke to you. To me this is serious.

Carlton:Did you hear what the snail said when he rode on the back of the turtle? - No, Carlton, what? Whee!

Carlton · Will:Why did the turkey cross the road? - I know I'm going to regret this, but why? - Chicken's day off.

Carlton · Will:Why did the turkey cross the road? - I know I'm going to regret this, but why? Chicken's day off.

Will:See, Carlton, this is why people trip you in the halls.

Will:I went out with this girl who ain't have no arms. I took her to The Arsenio Hall Show and she was like...

Will:He kind of look like a miniature Bryant Gumbel on a bad hair day.

Will:he's so short... he just rips them off his G.I. Joe doll and wears 'em right out of the box.

Will:he just rips them off his G.I. Joe doll and wears 'em right out of the box.

Carlton · Hilary:Boo! Get off the stage! We want our money back! Go back where you came from!

Club Owner:He'll be back, just not in here.

Keith:I know I ain't getting heckled by no Jheri curl.

Keith:You know, I ain't going to bother no Jheri curl, 'cause I know that... plastic bag makes so much noise at night, you're always irritable, huh?

Keith:Maybe I better speak to you in your language. Drip, drip, drip, drip.

Keith:plastic bag makes so much noise at night, you're always irritable, huh? Crumple, crumple. 'I cannot sleep!'

Keith:Sometime the phone is the best thing on the car. You could tell the car raggedy. Every time the phone ring, the car just cut off.

Keith:Black folks, we didn't know there was a recession... 'cause we been broke since the day before forever.

Keith:You know, had that been a black mother, she'd have been proud. Pick up the phone, call her best friend, 'Girl, turn to Channel 2. My baby's on TV!'

Keith:When a black man is gone, he's just gone. You don't see brothers talking about, 'Man, I just saw Marvin Gaye! He was at the mall!' 'How do you know?' 'I heard it through the grapevine.'

Phil:Because I heard you already died a pretty horrible death.

Will:Knock, knock. - Who's there? - Amy Fisher. - Amy... - Bang!

Keith · Geoffrey:Okay, well, I got a tip for you. Tails is out. - So are you. There's the door.

Geoffrey:So are you. There's the door.

Geoffrey:Now, that's funny.