The Secret

Um, is it me or does it smell like updog in here?

What's updog? / Nothing much. What's up with you?

Oh, wow. I walked right into that.

Hey, Stanley. Is that jacket made of updog? / I'm on the phone.

What flavor coffee is that, updog? / What's that? / I don't know. Nothing. What's up with you? / Huh? No. Damn it.

Dwight. Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog? / What's updog? / Gotcha! / Oh, God! Crap.

But if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything.

They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well, I say an empty desk means an... Empty mind. No, that's not... No. That's not what I was gonna say.

Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.

Which is exactly how you'd want to sound if you wanted someone to think you were sick. / That's exactly what I was thinking.

Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs.

Man, this must be torture for you.

I confided in the world's worst confidant.

And it is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.

See the game last night? / Which game? / Any of 'em.

So, uh, what's the 4-1-1? Any updates on the 'P' situation? / P-A-M... P-A?

Peach iced tea. / You're gonna hate it.

Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone. So none of this is useful.

It's grrrrape soda. / Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore.

I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation, and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.

Oh, man. You should order milk. Get it?

We're not worthy. We're not worthy.

I will have a chicken breast. Hold the chicken.

Sniffling how? / Um, how many different ways are there to gonna sniffle? / Three.

Her legs or boobs, or...? / Um, she's easy to talk to, I guess. / Really? She never gets any of my jokes.

Happy birthday song at Hooters

What did you guys talk about? / Just, you know, politics. Literature. / I hate you.

If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.

I put a cigarette through a freaking quarter. And you know what, Toby? They almost bought from us.

He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. / Pam?

One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so. Mystery solved.

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam. And now I don't. / Riveting.

I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. / Oh.

So are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now? / Oh, yeah. Yeah. / Hope that's okay.

I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great, big, giant favor redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.

Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's-s sake.

Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. / No. That was mandatory. / Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing.

Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise, or he told you about it on the booze cruise. / Um... okay. / Shut it, Michael. I'm done. That's it, I'm out.

Portrait of a Prostitute. Something... Secrets of a... More Secrets of a Call Girl.

I don't wanna be Shila. I like being Michael Scott.