Take Your Daughter To Work Day

So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

Bribery. Nice.

It's Pam. Ms. Beasley if you're nasty. Janet Jackson.

Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction, or...

This is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated. It is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw. And they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Daycare.

I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham city. That's Batman. That's Batman. Okay, I'm Aquaman.

I work with a bunch of nerds.

Mmm. Hello, tiny one. Come on. You are the future.

I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I'd better go check.

She is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her. I'm in 8th grade.

It's not that children make me uncomfortable. It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle.

Do you need any help? No, thanks. We'd have to explain everything. It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves.

All right, I wasn't expecting that.

I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well behaved boys.

Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me.

I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one.

Hey, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise.

All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cook... camonga! Ow ow ow ow, you broke my hand.

There is no way that hurt. Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. I didn't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak.

You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful. You can refer to me as Mr. Schroot. Mr. Poop? Schroot. Mr. Schroot. Sure, Mr. Poop.

Are you Mother Goose?

Ryan, you are so dorky. Give me your number so I can text you. Can I have your email address?

That little girl is a child! I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. Whatcha looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus can come through that door, and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.

Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs. And ere they dream what he is about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off.

These are cautionary tales for kids, Michael. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. What's a Nazi?

Bye, Mr. Poop.

Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth. And out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freakin' cool.

You're just a middleman. Wait, why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? You are describing Office Depot. And they're kind of running us out of business.

You ever seen a foot with four toes? Eww! What are you doing? Stop it, stop it!

There was a show called Fundle Bundle, and I was the star. Ryan, can you come here a second? I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dixon City. And if she's at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you boost yourself up...

I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them. You give 'em pizza. You give 'em candy. You let 'em live their lives. They're adults, for God's sake.

I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends. And no one can say no to being my friend.

Did you get married? No. Why not? It just never happened. So do you have any kids? Nope. Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be. I guess not.

Who, Terry? That woman is not my mother. That is my stepmother.

Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. You're ugly. Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school, so...

Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? Well, you need a wife first or at least a girlfriend. What about Jan? Not Jan.

I need a user name. And I have a great one. Littlekidlover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.

Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play it? I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer.

In the olden days the women would bear many children so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. No! They didn't eat the children. It never came to that.