Motivation

- That's your... that's an earring. - Whatever. Get over it.

- It's bleeding. - Really stings. - Is it an old one that...? - Yeah. I had to push really hard. - They heal over. - It had healed over. So i opened a sore...

- what are you looking at? - Nothing.

- I'm doing one tonight. I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300. - So i need someone just to carry my bag and organise... - i'm not... - £100 for an hour's work. - £100 for an hour? That is a lot. - 80. - You said 100. - 90. - You said 100. - All right. Get there early, then.

"If it's in you, i'll find it." That's actually what i do. I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.

The reason i put "If" it's in you is if i waste time and money looking for it and i can see it's not in you, i don't want to be sued because you haven't got it. You're not going to get me on that.

I can't believe a bird fancies you over me. He's a weird little bloke. Look at his hair. He looks like a fisher price man. His rubbish clothes.

There must be something wrong with you, but i'd still do you, so i'm confused.

Hand job? Don't answer. Think about it.

- Do i look like a fisher price man? - Yeah! Don't say yeah.

- Hi, dawn. - Hi. - Your favourite computer geek is here. - Jesus!

- How long will it take? - Why? - Out of interest. - It will take as long as it takes. - How long did it take last time...? - It's done.

When it comes back on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no. - Right. - Did you hear what i said? - Yup. - What did i say? - Hit cancel.

It's like bloody "dead poet's society" when they all stand on the tables... i wouldn't want them on the tables - it's against health and safety.

"Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes. Lots." not why i do it, but thank you.

I went down there when it opened. I did a couple of laps, pulled over. The owner said, "no professionals." I said, "i'm not a professional." He said, "you're not a professional? You should be. Take up formula one. You'll be the best in the country." I said, "i'm not interested. I'm making shitloads in computers."

I was doing it once, bombing it round and some idiot had left a ramp thing out. People were going, "if that guy hits that ramp at that speed, he's definitely dead." I hit the ramp, turned over in the air. They were going, "he's definitely dead." Landed on my wheels and pulled over.

- I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking. - Chill out. Don't have a cow, mate.

Those cats were fast as lightning.

- You said you saw him fight norris in "enter the dragon". He fights bob wall in both, but norris is only in "way of the dragon." - So he's fighting norris... - in what? - "Way of the dragon." - Correct.

It's in a book. He faked his own death to work undercover for the hong kong police infiltrating the triads.

Yeah, because if you wanted to send someone undercover, you'd want the world's most famous chinese film star!

He's done well there. - What do you mean? - She's tasty. She's nice. - You don't know her. - She's very attractive. She's not very attractive.

- Say your name. - Leroy. - Who's leroy? - The coloured fellow off "fame". - Use your own name. - Gareth.

- People are laughing at your heels. - I'm not going to wear those shoes! - And the earring? - They're having a go at that? What else?

- They've given you a nickname. - The swindon lot? - Everyone's using it. - What is it? - I don't really... - what is it? - Bluto. - The villain from popeye? - 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's... - what's that?

But if there's one thing i don't like, it's nicknames. Because nicknames are bad... names.

- you used to call malcolm "kojak". - That was affectionate. - He was a great detective. - Maybe "mr toad" is affectionate.

body fascism that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.

Why don't we call him fatty fatty toad boy? At least start on him and then move on...

He fears my methods because he doesn't understand them. Human nature, but relax.

- It's all up there. - It's not all up there, is it? - Most of it is.

What is "better?" on a graph of people versus task, where does the line go? Where i say.

I'm performing as i want to. It's a good performance. Let's agree to disagree. - No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

It's not a date. I'm paying her. What sort of date is that? And £100. what would i get for that? Not that i would. Everything, i imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but i do know... i'm just...

Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it? At last. - Go for it. - Ok. - Is it skunk? - Just weed. You want a taste? - You sure? - Yeah. I'm on a diet. When i get wasted, i go to munchie-city, so...

i'm mad enough without the gear as well. I'll take a rain check. Catch you later. - Yeah. - Chill.

Get out. Go on. I've opened the door for you. If you're not going to make it, go now. Yeah? Save us all a bit of time. If you don't think you can cut it. No? Good.

"Oi, brent! Is all you care about chasing the yankee dollar?"

Foreword by duncan goodhew. So...

I'm 39... i'm in my 30s. But so what? At least i've got my health.

If you've got one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing. If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "at least i'm not dead!" I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest.

I'm not saying people like that should be put down. I'm saying that in my life, i'd rather not live without arms and legs because... i'm just getting into yoga, for one thing.

Let's try that. Who-hoo-hoo. Just... trust me, you'll feel...

She used to eat chalk.

I am now going to make like a banana and split!

# you're better than all the rest # better than anyone listen to her. # Anyone i've ever met come on. Get into it. # I'm stuck on your heart

I'll let you into a little secret - i was worried whether i still had it. I'll let you judge. High five.

That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten!

Yeah? Never mind pizza express, what about beer express? "Next stop, drunkenness!"

The three musketeers! Oh, I can't. What? There's something I've got to do.