The Convention

I am going to be a father. What was Oprah about? Angelina Jolie was on.

Find out if there's a cheaper... Less expensive baby out there

I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months. Probably won't.

If in ten years I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... No, Michael. 20 years. No, Michael. 30. Sure.

Three packs of condoms. Yeeeash.

It is a booze-fueled sex romp where anything goes. You are correct sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Mid-market Office Supply Convention.

The poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo.

Don't monkey me. You can't wait to get out of here, ARM.

In the Martin family, we like to say... looks like someone took the slow train from Philly. That's code for 'Check out the slut.'

He's a cartoonist for the local paper. Which is really neat, because I like to draw too.

Probably shouldn't broadcast that.

Wear your wedding dress. That would be a great icebreaker. And your veil. Yeah. Do it.

Um... Um. Okay, um. Um. - You got that? I got it. Write it down. Um. Um...

I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train?

Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. Mmm. Creed.

Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Aaagh! The product... the progidal... My son returns.

It's like with firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut.

When I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke.

If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that.

The 800-pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her. So nothing can happen between us at the convention.

Step away from me, Michael. Thank you for being so brave with all of this.

That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic.

Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There was this bartender in Stamford who... You know what? You just have to be there. Wish I was. I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday.

SWAG! Stuff We All Get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG!

Why do they call him The Bus? Because he's afraid to fly.

You don't have email on your phone. I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? No one just called you.

I'll talk to my buddy down at the station stat. He wasn't volunteering today.

Um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. That's so weird. Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here.

Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry.

Opportunity, promotion. Blah blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors? Vis-à-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically.

Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out.

What, we didn't bet anything, Michael. Well, let's... You know, we should go. Come on, come on. Come on! We'll do it later.

Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well... phooey on that.

Maybe next time you will estimate me.

Oh, my God. Dwight got a hooker. Oh, my God, I gotta call... I gotta call somebody. I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker!

I don't like ketchup. You love ketchup. He loves ketchup.

First guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Um, I thought there was a party in here. This is the party.

Because it could work on a couple different levels. People always say, like, don't be edgy. But, I don't know. I don't know any other way.

I think when I like someone again, I'll just kind of know.

People have been filtering in and out.

I transferred because of Pam.

Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. No, that's okay. Yeah. That's all right. I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to... Roy.

Some people need dozens of friends to say, hey, look at me, I'm popular. But not me. I'm very picky. I need three. Maybe two? When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship... can't be forced. It should just come about effortledlessly.

Blood, urine, or semen. Oh, God, I hope it's urine.