The Job

You happened to be in midtown Manhattan? / Thought I'd catch a show. / In the middle of a work day? / No.

I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons.

What's different about you? / You look worse.

What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.

homeless.

For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summon the courage, so thank you.

But that's my name.

Dwight, congratulations a wipe. Don't screw the pooch.

Stop crying.

Pam is kind of a bitch.

Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it.

Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? / Cruise control.

Pam is taller. / You sure? / Yes. / She has bigger breasts too. / I think Karen has a prettier face.

Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.

I already sold my condo. / Michael... / Why? / I'm sorry. That just doesn't make sense.

I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time.

Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now, check out time is never. / Does my room have cable? / No. And the sheets are made of fire.

You're not the manager even in your own fantasy? / I'm the owner. The co-owner with Satan!

In your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?

80,000 dollars a year.

My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.

Pam, Defcon 10. Houston, we have a problem.

I didn't get both of your messages.

Defcon 20.

Jan is in a different place right now. And it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out.

Huge! Yeah, bigger actually. That's crazy! Oh, my God. Can you believe that? Unbelievable. She could put the cup right there.

In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front.

Au naturale, baby. That's how I like'em. Swing low, sweet chariots.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job. Excuse me, boob enhancement. That would be shallow. And this is the opposite of shallow. This is emotionally magnificent.

I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche. Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care.

That's Popeye.

Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. / How do you make a table? / You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.

I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen, too? What did she accomplish?

Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.

Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery.

Every time my sixth grade class has a field trip.

That wasn't him.

You mean Kevin?

That is Beardy. / Beardy? / That's just what I call him.

Except daddy is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Hail to the chief!

Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means.

Let's call it Secret Assistant to the Regional Manager.

I learned from Jim. If Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret, you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'

And your strengths? / Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.

This is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.

So ten thousand of your dollars is worth one real dollar? / Just- zip your lid!

No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again. / What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? / The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

He would be disaster.

Not leaving. / David, I did not tell her.

Abandon all hope, you who enter here! / Totally!

Do you accept my withdrawal? / I do. / Good. Very good. I'm glad we are finally on the same page.

Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self destruction. / Yeah. Kinda feel bad for her though. / Don't. She's nuts.

I think I could back out of the sale. Probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile.

Kevin Nealon.

This place is like the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home, and my graveyard for my bones.

A man version. But uh- until then, I can hold my head up. I'm not gay.

How'd I get to be so awesome? Because, I don't have an answer for you.

Are you free for dinner tonight? / Yes. / All right. Then, it's a date.

You and I are done.