Double Date

You owe me one. You all owe me one.

Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers, because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. You're thinking of deer penis.

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore?

Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

Oh, that's right, you're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again.

I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people, graffiti.

There's no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your, 'Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother.'

The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity.

Because of sex? Kevin! Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired.

Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too. I know. Isn't that always how it goes? Rarely, if ever.

Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

Why did I get in the car? I could've struggled. I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it.

Feel it against your cheek. I will.

Do not test my politeness.

You know, here's a healthy fitness tip, if you clench your buttocks together while walking, you can really take the pressure off your knees.

Do not walk around with your jacket catawampus.

I used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Maybe Michael will start dating that, too.

help me out with this one. Let's see, honey, you're six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?

Ooh, burn, burn on you. And a little bit on me, too.

If anything, I am robbing the grave.

Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to.

Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos!

A scrapbook of our first memories, by Michael Gary Scott, for my girlfriend, Helene, on your birthday.

You threw it in, I went back later, waded in, and I found it. That's amazing. It's not amazing at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that.

And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.

Happy Birthday, I love you, Helene.' It's really nice, Michael. I think it sucks.

Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes, and you like lame things. It's a generational sort of gap between us.

And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? Got thirsty.

she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But I think I want to do those things myself.

I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. And I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.

I cannot, in good conscience, continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her.

Well... Oh, thank you, Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part.

There's another woman, and her name is Italy, and skydiving, and bungee jumping.

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafka-esque? I've never... I don't know him.

And you, unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there.

I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now? Well, hobbies. Stop.

What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could've grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now!

They're mushrooms, they don't get that high.

I have the lowest sales record of anyone here. Don't, no. It's not about numbers Pam, it's about attitude. I have the worst attitude of any person here.

With this raise, there are strings attached. And that string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.

Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on, what do you want? What do you want?

I want to hit you. What? I want to hit you. I'll do that.

In the parking lot, in front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can. Okay. Okay. See you then. See you.

Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. I'm pretty sure we said slap. No, it's a punch

Do you and Pam ever get frisky? Inappropriate. I mean, do you ever wrestle with each other?

She wants it bad, Michael.

Every day, weirdos pay dominatrixes hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm going to love it.

Are you eating popcorn? It has almost no calories.

For the record, your mom came on to me.

Holy crap!

Feel better? No, you were right.

As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids.

And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows.

And I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

Fire Jim. No. I'm cashing in the favor, fire him. What are you talking... Do it.

You know what, you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face, I'm keeping it.