Sex Ed

We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and none come back. We've lost friends... We don't know what he does with them.

I pick up day laborers and tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m. At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent, by the name of Mose Schrute, throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.

Scranton. Y... before that, la Philadelphia.

Yeah. I got stung up my dress. Poor hornet.

If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. And if he doesn't? He'll die. What? Beg your pardon?

When did the phrase 'do or die' become so corrupted?

Visual: Nate attempting to deal with hornets using increasingly inappropriate tools while everyone watches in horror

Good morning, Erin. Any mustaches, I mean messages?

There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves other things as well.

It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, and she rocks harder than anyone alive.

You mean cancer? What? No way. No. Definitely not. Not cancer.

It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

A cold sore is herpes. What?

I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.

I've never seen herpes on you. 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius.

You have a penis?

Michael, you're at least 46. Why 'at least'? If you're guessing 46, just say 46.

This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.

The number one sexually transmitted disease is ignorance.

I feel like one of those old-timey sailors with VD. (IN GRUFF VOICE) Eh, it's me own darn fault. Girl in every port!

What port? The Jan port? The Holly port?

Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

I have a disease for which there is no known cure that has been sexually transmitted to me. Oh, no! I can't even say it. H-I-R-P-E-E-S.

What do you mean 'again'? You're always asking for our attention. Well, maybe like a year ago. Mmm. Seems recent.

Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention. World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.

This is Holly. No, this is Holly. No... This is Michael Scott. Busted.

Were they in the missionary position?

We would have twins. I don't think we'd have kids. Mmm-hmm. We would be married. Michael, I've been dating A.J. For a year and a half now.

You cried at that tag line for a movie you made up. 'He had no arms or legs. He couldn't see, hear or speak. This is how he led a nation.'

How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew, I'd tell you.

(SINGING) Fry it up in a pan, Never, never, never let you forget you're a man. Love that commercial. I don't understand the reference.

Now I'm gonna show you another picture of perfectly normal genitalia. (ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST) Oh, my God! Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.

Well, if there was anything exciting about it, it was because we both knew it was wrong. Because we worked together. No. Okay, imagine there's a princess who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all... Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess. And the queen.

(SINGING) How was school? It was cool. What did you learn? What did I learn? You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors, or you might have learned that we're all sisters and brothers... I have herpes.

Just admit that your baby was a mistake. Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.

You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. She... Jan knows paper. No, not paper. Relationships.

Who are you? I'm Michael. We dated for a while. I don't think so. Michael? Oh, hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk while I talk to the real Helene?

What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski. (ALL LAUGHING)

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.

Come on, give it a rest, pencil (BLEEP). I'm doing this for you, Meredith!

I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we could have a conversation like this shows how self-deluded you are. Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.

You didn't call my office and ask them where I was? No! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) That's so... 'Cause the receptionist told me that a man called, but he would only say that he was my ex-Iover.

My good sir, nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.

You proposed to me on our fourth date. Well, I believe in love at first sight. Well, so do I, but we didn't love each other at first, either.

Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they? No.

Are you crying? No, I'm just sweating. I don't know what's got you upset, but my advice is stop crying. I'm not crying. I'm sweating.

I have no idea what his problem is. It's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

This is Holly Flax. I can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message at the sound of the tiny truck backing up.

Today, I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind, they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show.

I remember every second of us. And talking to you today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It's... I didn't joke with any of them. I joked with you.

We once sucked face in public as part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma about gay kissing. Do you recall?

I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... Fence with a hole in it. Moonlit gondola. Carriage ride through Central Park.