Jury Duty

Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying 'Hey, we're uptight You can't dance.' And then, you have to be like 'Oh, yeah, Mayor Stress? Well, watch this.' And then, we dance.

Sex also works

Hey! Tuna He's back

Tuna wrap Okay... Hand roll

Makes me question the whole judicial system

(MOCKING) He apologized And I just really want him to like me. Mmm!

We're best friends actually. We're going wine tasting next weekend if you want to come

And then three other days happened

Is it black? Because that would be hilarious

Would it be more hilarious than Angela having a Chinese baby?

A little bit. Yeah. Right, guys? Back me up

Right month wrong year

Yeah, Oscar's the dad I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom

It's the perfect blend of love and horror

My wife got to the TV first. I had to sit through damn Rizzoli & damn Isles

we used to recreate the various stranglings with empanadas from Ernesto's

You mean food truck Ernesto's was a food truck

Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas Nobody cares about the empanadas

Got that, bimbo? Got it, bimbo

Philip is so fat

You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar You didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby

He's more than substantial He's a monster

you never said he was on a bicycle

You have the right to request judgment by combat Dwight's rights

I don't need to take a chill pill... Down the hatch

(SPEAKING CALMLY) But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty

No one's ever lied to me before

They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps

My nickname was actually King Butt because I had a king-sized butt

It's the empanada guy

He remembers Toby the most forgettable man in the known world

Usually I'm a burrito guy but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink

Hey, Murder, She Wrote, how about we drop the whole Murder, She Wrote thing, okay?

Wait, wait, you live by the courthouse You drove from near the courthouse out to Jim's house and then back to the courthouse? Thirty minutes out 30 minutes back easy hour

And I would watch that cute, little tooshy scurry up those courthouse stairs every morning and that was that

I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim, I can't keep spinning gold out of your (BLEEP)

I'm going to call him Little Kevin

Is he really five pounds? Because I squat with five pounds... Yeah, this feels like more than that

I thought you said five You know what? I was under so many drugs a James Taylor concert or something

Preemie pajamas... No, I think he came early just so he could wear these

This baby is clearly not premature They're lying about the date it was conceived And her husband's gay I don't even know which thread to follow

What? Funny? No? Nobody laughed

So long, clump mate I'm going to miss you Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end

That's it? This is crap

The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate

Philip was conceived nine months ago... we had just seen Thor, and there was way too much wine in my chicken piccata

Why? I know what Angela and the Senator look like I can mash that up in my head right now

What a beautiful child Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions willingly or as slaves

That baby is a Schrute, and unless somebody taught Mose sex that baby is mine

JIM: Yes, I am bringing my kids in to help me get out of this hole

Whoa, whoa, whoa Game face, baby. Game face... No, that's overdoing it I think. Hi, Stanley. Split the difference

so she brought you a little treat... No. But that would have been a really good idea

She says no to everything. You know, she thinks my name is 'No.'

Why am I shorter than the table that I'm standing next to?

Then I inserted my penis into your... No! Stop it! Dwight ...vagina

Nurse! You know that baby in there? Baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision

Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?