Doomsday

Hey, everybody! It's closing time! You all gotta go home but you can stay here.

Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day, it's weird.

Oh, my boss is singing closing time. Maybe that's what you're hearing.

Let's see. Andy has been manager for 105 days. Which means I've heard closing time 105 times. Still don't know the words.

♪ Ah wah dah wah home and home and home ♪

You know what? Fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't wanna sing, no traditions!

♪ Closing time ♪ ♪ every new beginning ♪ I never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it. But that songs means it's time to go home. Now it's my favorite song.

- Who's your favorite iron chef? - This report is atrocious.

Did you need something from us? Yes. Your attention. Uh, because... No. That is all.

Last night, I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power, athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted 'we're number 2!'

As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants.

Chalk that one up to tweedle Dee and tweedle dum out there. Who are they? They're both Kevin.

Oscar is the sex and the city gang.

Sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all. I would agree with that.

When I come back next week and this report show me no mistakes, we can talk about names all day. Our favorite names, silly made-up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice?

And you can't have a favorite iron chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient.

Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all.

- Maybe justine. - Bah! Nope. Not justine. Never justine. - Is that off again? - Oh, yeah.

Are you really this lazy? I'll be there.

Mondays suck. Yep.

Ah, I should've used a shorter string. Never mind. I know it by heart.

Do not go there! You're the deuce I never wanna drop.

I'm not technically seeing her, but I've seen her-- with the eyes-- and there was attraction in at least one direction. So...

It's gonna be hot and heavy, and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock, you know?

Yeah, we had a whole conversation about mondays.

Toby, I'm gonna tell you her last name tomorrow because she's gonna be screaming it tonight. She's gonna be screaming her own last name?

Five strikes in a day equals a homerun. One home run and you're out.

something bad happens, like we block mindsweeper.

"Robert's favorite songs, Creep by TLC, Creep by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim?

"there's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar.

"He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappoint him." Kelly.

"P.S. We should kill him."

Wait, so you installed a doomsday device? No, it's an accountability booster.

They're making me out to be a Bond villain. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop nothing to remake the world... Like... Not Dr. Moreau. Someone good. Dr. Frankenstein. Dr. Jekyll. Not them. Doctor...

Oh! There's one mistake. Now we only have four strikes left until a homerun.

It's not a race. Thirrr-- Third.

It's for protecting my ass when you suckers lift more than you can handle.

Look at this. This is enormous. Oh.

I got the sense that Val enjoys a good put-down. Considering that's the only thing I know about her, I will be milking that hard.

The Michelin man called. He wants his cummerbund back.

When the stake are this high, there's only one computer that I trust, and it's powered by thai food and spanish reds.

Try something like, um, z64$8. Not that exactly, Jim. Something like that.

How about 'Scranton strangler 666'?

What's Dwight's mother's name? Um, Hedda. No.

A $100 bill. Should cover it, I think.

Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, okay? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val? Actually, Val, why don't you come with?

Well, I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today.

Can you tell me now where paper comes from? Uh...The man tree puts his penis--

I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative.

Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and...Your breasts are enormous. That can help us.

Guys, come on. I'm right here.

What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse.

If you hit another horse, you dug too far.

Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. This is the newest addition built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

That's too much doodle and not enough lab. Yeah, when are they gonna do a labradoodle that's just lab?

So tonight I was thinking I'm gonna go to the cemetery, I'm gonna drink a little wine, and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me.

I could quit. Problem solved.

I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition. Get everyone's signature, including our clients. March down to Florida... And shove it up your butt.

Oh, Pam, you got something on your shirt. Oh! Oh, well. Pobody's nerfect, right?

Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's nobody's perfect. Nice stroke, Pam.

Sive drafely. Isn't it supposed to be drive safely?

Right now? Yes. Here you go. Whoa, no, wait, wait, whoa! Oh, man, I'm sorry. What the [Bleep]? Sorry. Jesus.

They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I?

Classic, right? Ooh. I'm all right. You all right? Yep. Skinned knee. Yep.