New Guys

I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm. Mmm!

Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You're not the father. I told you. God.

On! Oh, my God! Oh! What a summer! An emotional roller coaster.

I ran over a turtle in the parking lot. But then I saved him by gluing his shell back together.

But I'm not that good at puzzles.

I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time.

But it turned out the turtle was already dead. Probably when I ran over him the first time.

You are really good at modesty.

But watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea. He said if it takes off, he's going to buy us a new car. An Altima or better.

Miami University, in Ohio.

Enjoy the snow, losers!

They call it the Silicon Prairie.

This is not garbage. It's my clothes.

I don't think anything's going to change in our lives now. With work and two kids, I guess nothing interesting is going to happen to us for a long, long time.

Oh, my God. It's called a garbage can. Helpless.

They're like the new Jim and Dwight.

Hey, New Jim. Come sit on my face.

No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only thing we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim.

Three days on a mountain. It'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks! Yeah, right.

They called me 'iceman.' You will be called Plop. What? Why? 'Cause you're always taking dumps.

You will be called Fart. Because you fart all the time. I love it!

Whoa! Mind blown! It's like father and son.

In a way, it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson.

Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin.

He loves those pants.

Please. After the turtle?

I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle!

If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. Those guys always turn back, Angela.

I ate a worm.

Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Body by Cheez-it. Ah! Humor. I have it, too.

You have a beautiful round head.

Hey, is this code for, like, gay stuff? 'Cause, if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it, but, you know, you should know that I'm into the ladies.

Spoken like a true root man.

Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, okay? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job.

Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub.

There is no belt above black. Is there a belt above black? You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect.

Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both.

Now, I don't like to throw around the 'B' word. But I'm going to be a huge bitch to you.

But if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie.

You, uh, you a sports guy? Sure. Boxing, tennis. Oh! Any team sports? NASCAR, The Amazing Race.

You mean horses? No. Like baseball, the baseball team. I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont, so...

I have nothing in common with Plop.

Hey, all right. Whoa, you suck.

This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do.

I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears.

Who ordered the hot apple fail?

Got ourselves a yard sale!

Balls and face!

Well, it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool.

Slacklining. Big deal. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pigtailed schoolgirls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope!

Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim.

Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life. Exactly the way it is.

I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar, I'll be launched into space.

It's the only time I've seen him cry, other than our wedding night.

C'est la vie. Please don't teach the cat French.

Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool, 'cause they can slackline.

Hey, Clark! This is what a real salesman looks like! They say that you only live once, and I'm about to prove it!

Yeah. Yep, I'm all in.

In the parking lot today, there was a circus. A copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Oh! Swish. It was nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are.

There are two things that I am passionate about, recycling and revenge.