Stairmageddon

What the hell? No, this is not happening. / Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon.

for a day that hopefully comes once in 100 years

It's a 'mageddon!' Come on! Come on, Stanley. Stay in it!

I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb stair mountain!

Our office has an unusually large number of unusually large people

we have to compare it to the end of time

Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in.

I just got the text and started screaming, 'Red alert.'

Well, the alert was already set to 'red' because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to 'double red'?

Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get

What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news... thing.

whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy

Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-- / It's okay. The hell does he know?

I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb

I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years.

Who do I look like, Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

You are not my damn boss and you never will be!

Pete, iced tea. Three sugars, five creams. Your morning 3x5.

Embassy suites. 'Do not disturb' sign on the door. Mommy and daddy are on the floor.

Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had?

Let's do it. Let's get personal.

Uh, we're just starting couples counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better.

Kelly called it. 2013.

Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars.

A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on.

Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry. I'm a better wife than that.

This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up!

So what I'm hearing you say is, 'Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible'?

For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go.

Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about.

It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker.

For a threat to be credible, you ha-- Holy shit. No, you didn't.

It's all right. Andy approved it.

Man, he's really in Twinkle Town now.

weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him? / this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do.

He's like a manatee.

No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before. / Well, if I may, you're a natural. / I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head, like, 1,000 times, but, uh... / That's a little weird.

I know. Evel Knievel.

I need you to go down to the bottom and catch him. / I can't catch him, he's, like, 250 pounds. / You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay?

He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall.

He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. / If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy...

I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but... it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it.

Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star!

I am gay.

Senator, were you always gay, or did your wife turn you gay?

yo soy homosexual

how charmless I find the female body

Oscar is with the senator too? / Yes! And I knew it the whole time.

I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew!

Actor? / Oh, no. / Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse.

Does anything go on top of the mouse? / Yeah. / Little hat. Yeah. / Aw, that's cute. / What's the mouse's name? / Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kind of like cannon fodder, you know?

You're not one of those PETA guys, are you?

Just say 'arms' and 'legs,' okay? That just-- that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with.

We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay? / Pigeons.

You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson.

Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister?

Stanley, what is going on here? / He's fine. / He gets carsick really easily. / Driving.

Ooh-hoo, look at that baby... / That's Benji in the middle. / That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. / That's a healthy-looking baby. Very special little boy. Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child.

I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis.

My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on.

Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let them throw pies at ya?

Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility.

Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. / Uh, it doesn't include headshots. / It doesn't include headshots. / No. / Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did.

You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. / I'll go tell Andy the good news. / Oh. / Silly me. Gotta take the stairs. / Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up.

We need a winch and a hoist.