A.A.R.M.

Now they're protecting America's real treasure, papefl

Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

But that's three wrongs, so I've got to give you the steam. No. Unless you want me to break protocol.

It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd.

Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry-cleaning.

Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o!

Saddle shoes with denim? I will, literally, call Child Protective Services.

It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring.

On this show all three judges are mean!

much like Germany and Italy, in World War... Nope. Good call.

Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well. Oh! Bodes well for the post-conference room meeting. All depends on the conference room meeting itself.

Some say, the only failure there is, is the failure to try. That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure.

Michael J. Fax, from Fax to the Future!

Nice jugs! That's obviously nonsense.

I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

Over the course of this documentary, I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble. My wife did it.

Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat-shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's.

When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe.

Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here and sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miz? With that baritone? That would be historic.

Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane!

I hate Phillip.

My God. I'm so sorry. Well, this might make up for it. I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN.

Potential Future Nonsense. Yes. Good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time.

What did you have in mind? Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his Round Table? That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard.

A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch-bitch.

Pour some Sugar Ray on me! On a roll much? I don't know where that came from. That was amazing, man.

'Plop'? Still? We owe Andy that much. Yeah. Absolutely we do.

You'll always have the upper hand when you've got a good AARM. Trademark pending.

By 2:00, Dwight will choose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me.

I pulled the old Irish exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all.

Nine-hundred-eighty-five trillion seventeen. Not even close, Meredith. Come on!

It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. Wait! No, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job.

What's the opposite of a horse? A sea horse. A sea horse! Whoa. How did you know I was going to say that?

There's no Turkish Ambassador to Armenia, the two countries don't have diplomatic relations. Uncanny.

Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you got to do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes ga-ga for you.

Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit, or is it a show about singing?

Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? That's what he says. If you say so.

Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee. Ow! My skin! Ow! Ow! It burns! Ow! Uncanny.

You broke our hearts! Get upstairs. I don't think I should. Get upstairs, mister! Right now!

The new Assistant to the Assistant to the Regional Manager is Dwight K. Schrute! Yes! Yes. Thank you.

I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager of Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.

From now on, anyone who needs to speak to me, has got to go through me first. All right?

These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck.

Did we ever have lunch together, just the two of us? You know what? I'm going to make reservations right now at Cugino's.

I'm not going to spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you 'cause you're feeling sentimental. You have to! Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'll do one thing with y'all.

Kevin, could you not do that? What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. Here, use my pen. Don't tell me what to do!

Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true!

Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond.

You even look shorter. Oh, I took out my lifts.

Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. That is very important. Dwight, I'm telling you all the things Ma said after the horse kicked her in the head.

The way that boy looks at the Galactica, is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do.

Stanley is sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? I heard that.

You want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. He does have a gift.

Which will it be, money or the beet? Beet. Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child, are you?

I can tell by your gorgeous, widely set eyes.

I'm Casey Dean. Be seeing the last of me. Or I meant you won't be seeing the last of me.

This baby is of superior intelligence and can tell when he is being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. Come on. He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck.

Busted. Got it. Yes, all right, tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing. I respect that.

Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges! I went to the bathroom on my boss's car, and I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.

You can't just sit here and cry. I can so just sit here and cry!

Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. I think there's, like, $7 left. It's just his way of saying, 'Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.'

What a chubbers. Whoa... Okay, hey. I'm losing my balance. Okay, Kevin, no. No. No horseplay. You want to play with the cactus? No! No!

He's a little stand-offish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you.

Then the two of you would move to my 1,600 acre estate, which let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.

Plus, her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen premium cattle sperm. That's a lot of pros.

Plus, her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen premium cattle sperm. That's a lot of pros. And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up.

Some sort of virus? Love. Oh.

This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.

I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Get out! I'm a dad! You're a dad!

This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. One more for the doc!