The Boat

Why?

I'm not a day trader. I'm just a first responder in a disaster.

his brother, Walt, Jr., locked himself in the wine cellar

Are the Nards hurting? Yeah, you bet. Got kicked pretty hard. Family's shattered, supersad. But I'm kind of crushing it in the damage-control department.

I wish my dad could see me now. Of course, he caused this whole mess, so him.

I don't know what that means.

Yeah, she hosts The Dr. Laura Show. Nope, that's Dr. Laura.

I do! I do! I do! I do! I do!

Yeah, wow. Ten reams of 40-pound bond at only $6.90 after discount? Uh, whatever you say, Brad Pitt!

Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.

Greta, the tittle-tattle, prattled on about the little metal bottle. Oh, my God. She spat a bit of spittle on the mottled brittle cattle in a bitter battle...

Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason. No. You chose yourself.

Totally, except it is a no-go. This boat was the heart and soul of our family, so... What else we got? Non-boat ideas.

She could get, like, 60 packages of ramen noodles for five bucks. She could eat for a month.

I worked at a Jiffy Lube. See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world, would you, Darryl? I would if I owned it and I went broke.

What are you going to do? Cry about it? Excuse me.

Well, why don't I go and tell Dwight so he can stop being such a complete nipple?

We cannot let that happen.

This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone, but it's a girlfriend's job to know her man, and I know Andy. He is seriously juvenile. He's like 40, though, right? Oh, no. He couldn't be more than, like, thirties, tops.

Help! My teeth are all messed up in my mouth.

Oh, really, Angela? That's interesting. Because I do think that I could surprise you. I think that I could surprise you all the... Ya! I have to go to the bathroom!

That actually wasn't the worst cover. I'd say at least once a week Kevin runs out of the room shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.

All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing. But Dad wouldn't let me. He said, 'You can't be a skipper until you're a man.' You know, I'd reach for the wheel and he'd just smack my hand away.

Does your shirt have buttons? Yes. I'm so sorry. We are going to have to ask you to remove the shirt altogether.

Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine. That's impossible. Are you by any chance wearing pants with a metallic zipper?

he just wanted a little Mexican brought in. I can't! It's too much! Please stop.

Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.

His gambling problem must have resurfaced. I'm going to have to send him home until I can do an investifafion.

Unless it's exposed to oxygen. Then it becomes extremely toxic.

Get out of here, moron! Okay! Excuse me, Mr. Dwight, who are you talking to? Uh... No one.

'Cause then I would get my own office. And I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela. I've been really worried about that.

Those figures I gave you? They're false. No. I was mad at Kevin. We had a fight, and I acted vindictively. So you set him up. Yes. He's innocent.

A few years ago, when I was on the jury, the Scranton Strangler? Sure. I always thought he might have been set up, but I felt pressured to convict. Well, that's got to be tough. Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.

Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the CEO and Chairman, David Wallace!

So this is how your family came to America. Move. Sorry? I'm trying to rig a boat here. I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way. I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.

Don't do that. Oh, it's okay. My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight. You know what? Get some dinner, on me... No. Nope. Can't do that.

Wow! I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.

Damn it! Screw you, Dad!

Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man. Fine, but I could have. As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain. I am the captain. Yeah. Right? Yeah! I'm the captain.

For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich, where the police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace. Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet, and has taken a mailman hostage.

I think it was yesterday. I thought you were in rehab. Yeah, I just, uh... I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way.

but I've decided to sail it to Bermuda. Bahamas, Andy. Same thing.

But David, listen to me carefully. I'm going to need you to let the mailman go, okay? Walk out of the house with your hands on top of your head. Everything is going to be fine. Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.

Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.

Oh, I just had an intuition that someone I love needed a little of my attention today. Oscar! Looking very healthy. Getting lots of vigorous exercise?

Oscar is having sex with the Senator and Angela doesn't even know. Her life is a complete sham!

Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes. I think that would have been really fun and romantic.

Does he have a flipper? Oh. Nope. It's not that. He, uh... He flipped a table one time when he was drunk. He sounds like an idiot. Yeah, he is.