The One with All the Cheesecakes

You have got to try this cheesecake... Oh, you know, I'm not that much of a sweet tooth... [GROANS] Oh, my God, it's so creamy.

Chandler, this isn't addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs. [GASPS] Thief.

Because it's too delicious.

The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate: 'Mama's Little Bakery.'

I feel terrible. I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Well, I'm sorry, what?

You know how I'm in a coma? Today they do a test on me and it turns out I'm not brain-dead. So... Ah-ah, Mr. Smarty-Pants. It's just my character that's not brain-dead.

Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey. We get together about once a month to discuss the rest of you guys.

Wow. Did not know that. May I say how lovely you look today? Duly noted.

Well, maybe since the age of 9, Frannie's made some new friends.

Yeah, well, you call her and tell her that, you know, when we were kids... her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? If I hadn't stopped her, there probably wouldn't be a wedding to go to.

She tried to undress me too. I used to undress my cousin Glenn.

'Pheebs, can't make it. Got a date. Talk to you later. Big Daddy.'

'Big Daddy'? Oh, that's a nickname we were trying out. Hey, you know what nickname never caught on? 'The Ross-a-tron.'

Whoa, what are you middle-naming me for?

Hey, you can cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility for sex. Phoebe, he's right. That is the rule.

How about dinner tomorrow night? I'll pay for myself.

Joe, while you're over there, how about another beer for 'The Ross-a-tron'?

'Ross...' Is that back?

Well, I've forgotten what it tastes like, okay? It was cheesecake. It was fine.

It had a buttery, crumbly, graham-cracker crust... with a very rich... yet light cream-cheese filling.

Wow, my whole mouth just filled with saliva.

Where do you wanna go to lunch? Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois.

Mel Tormé died. Joey, that paper's like a year old. Oh, does that mean the Sam Goody's sale is over?

Limited seating? I am just one tiny person. Yeah, but she doesn't know that. I mean, the last time she saw you... you would've turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.

Joan and I will just make an appearance... and then we'll leave early as a sign of protest. Joan? Yeah, Joan Tedeschi, my date. She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics Department. Tall, very beautiful. And despite what some people say, not broad-backed.

Wait a minute. You got 'Ross Geller and guest'? I wasn't invited, and you got 'and guest'?

She's an assistant professor in the Linguistics Department, okay? They're wild.

Mrs. Braverman must be out. She could be out of town. Maybe she'll be gone for months. By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don't want her to come back to bad cheesecake. That could kill her. Wouldn't want that.

Oh, you say someone's name enough, they turn around.

Did you get a haircut? Yeah. Well, I got like 30 of them.

There's a statue in Minsk... that reminds me of you so much. I mean, um, it's actually of Lenin... but, you know, at certain angles...

And now, you know, what? Just because, potentially, the love of my life... comes back from Russia just for one night, I should change my beliefs? I should change my beliefs.

No. No, no. If I don't have my principles, I don't have anything. God, you are so strong. Or I should rush through dinner with Joey and I could meet David at 9.

Oh, it's, um... It's tofu cake. Do you want some? Aah.

I think she's trying to pull a fast one on Big Daddy.

I'm a relative and I didn't get invited, okay? A blood relative. Blood. Stop saying 'blood' to strangers.

Actually, we're out of the lobster ravioli. Oh, well, that changes everything.

You know what I really want? Is to have a long, long talk. You know? Get Joey out on the open road and really open him up.

Okay, well, my girl from the other night was special. She was a scientist too. She was? Well, she graduated high school.

I will give you $100 to whistle right now.

We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.

Oh, you know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know... that you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.

No sharing, no switching, and don't come crying to me... if you eat your piece too fast. [SHOUTS]

Ha, ha. I may just sit here and have my cake all day. Just sit here in the hallway and eat my...

Every time, on the lips. Why? Why on the lips?

Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to Mom. That bitch.

Stuart. I believe you know my husband. So it's really a question of 'who' could you have possibly done.

That's really beautiful. What does it mean? 'Please clean my beakers.' I don't get out of the lab much.

Hey, you could always visit him. Oh, right. Like they're gonna let me have a passport.

I could give it a shot.

Oh, look. There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it.

Why? Why on the lips?