The Gang Goes to a Water Park

Mac:Oh, Christ, does every single one of these kids have the flu?

Charlie:You're like, 'What's that rascal Charlie up to?' 'What's he up to this time?' Right, right?

Mac:I'm not thinking that at all.

Charlie:You're like, "What's that rascal Charlie up to?" "What's he up to this time?" Right, right?

Mac:I'm not thinking that at all.

Mac:Yeah, the brochure says three days.

Charlie:We're saying bullshit to that. We're gonna get it done in one.

Dennis:ten minutes of clean water and then every slide's basically a urine delivery system

Frank:Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief from the insufferable prison of motherhood

Mac:Uh, it's a urine tester. Just want to be 100% sure. It turns light red at the slightest hint of piss.

Dee:Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s. I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.

Mac:Shut up, nerd!

Charlie:Screw you, nerd!

Mac:Do not go near the pool drains, no matter how good you might think they feel on your butt

Mac:Those things will suck the intestines right out of you. Like it did to that one kid back in '96. Now, she had to chew through her intestines just to get free.

Getting stuck in the kiddie slide together

Charlie:I can't ever tell which way is north on a map.

Mac:It's at the top.

Charlie:I thought north was, like, up.

Oh, Ethan is here with a special program for children with leukemia, so he skips to the front of the line.

Charlie:AIDS! AIDS, I got AIDS. I got AIDS, we're coming through.

Charlie:He got it from a gay guy in the '80s.

Mac:I'm not gay, I didn't...

Charlie:There's two kind of AIDS... there's the vagina AIDS and then the needle-based AIDS.

Frank:Let a little sunshine back into her life ever since her mom...

Woman:Oh, my God. Did she...

Frank:Die horrifically?

Woman:Yeah.

Frank:Drowning. Kind of ironic, us being at a water park

Abby:Can I please have $20?

Woman:Well, I think you can get something to eat for a lot less than that, hon.

Abby:Dad! I'm hungry, I'm starving, and you haven't given me any money.

Frank:Interesting.

Woman:What's interesting?

Frank:Nothing. I'm done with you.

Mac:Sherman, did you pee?

Sherman:No.

Mac:Sherman, my vial is turning light pink.

Sherman:Ugh... goddamn it, Sherman, I ordered you not to pee!

Mac:Don't question him; we need God!

Dee:God didn't put the sun anywhere. The sun stays still; the Earth moves around it.

Mac:no matter how alluring it is, do not put your genitals or your butthole near the pool drain. You got it? In fact, cover your butthole.

Dee:Mac. Stop talking to children about their buttholes, okay? It's not appropriate.

Mac:That kid looks passed out, Dee.

Dee:Yeah, he's out cold, but I think I can maneuver his body pretty easily.

Mac:Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown.

Charlie:Guys, I gotta take a poop.

Dennis:Officer Dennis Reynolds. Hi. Off-duty, of course. This is your jurisdiction.

Abby:Try to touch me, and I'll scream 'rape.'

Dennis:you want to be a thief or do you want to be an artist? You see, an artist takes whatever he wants when somebody's looking right at him.

Charlie:AIDS! Guy with AIDS, coming through.

Attendant:Hey, man, go through.

Mac:No, you need a raft! You need a raft!

Dennis:What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing?

Charlie:Oh, yeah!

Mac:I gave Frank a couple hickeys to sell the lesions.

Frank:Sucked on 'em.

Employee:Oh, that's our new slide. It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express.

Charlie:Like the movie?

Employee:Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet, so we still have to test it. It's totally dry.

Frank:It's Thunder Gun, man. No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind. We got to get to the top of that slide. And raw-dog the shit out of it!

Mac:My vial is blood red. That's because the water's not even running through anymore. It's just pooling up.

Dee:The problem is it's already happening. I'm peeing on your shoulder right now. But I don't mean to, I'm sorry.

Mac:It's warm.

Mac:Oh, I peed as soon as we got in the slide.

Sherman:Me, too.

Mac:Like the girl in the pool drain when she got her anus stuck, she chewed through her prolapsed anus and chewed herself to freedom.

Abby:I said I'd kiss him if he met me in the parking lot. Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.

Dennis:When I was your age, I couldn't have accomplished half the things you did today. See, this is why the Chinese are destroying us. If you were born in China, you'd be the head of some factory by now. Or they would've thrown you in a river, 'cause you weren't a boy.

Dennis:I don't have a daughter.

Woman:Yes, you do. The girl that was just...

Dennis realizing he's been conned by Abby

Frank:Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns! It burns! Aah! My back!

That guy has AIDS!

Frank:They should've sent a poet.

Charlie:All right, let's go, let's go.

Frank:There's AIDS blood in the pool!

That's goddamn AIDS blood?!

Has anyone seen my son?

Goddamn it! I hate this goddamn water park!