The Gang Carries a Corpse Up a Mountain

Charlie:You got piss in that canteen?

Frank:No, I got Gatorade in that canteen. The other one's got the piss in case things go bad.

Charlie:I see you all fell for my ruse.

Dennis:What ruse?

Charlie:You asking us to go on a hike with your dad, and us saying yes? Oldest trick in the book.

Dennis:You know, no offense, Charlie, but Shelley's fat as shit.

Charlie:Oh, no offense taken, Dennis, because he is fat as shit, but, um, he won't really mind us saying that because he's dead.

Dennis:What? What the hell are you talking about?

Charlie:I'm talking about Shelley Kelly, my dad. He's dead.

Dennis:Oh. Shit.

Charlie:All right? Look, it's a Kelly family burial tradition. We're just gonna carry the man to the top of the mountain, and then we're gonna chuck him over the side.

Dennis:Yeah, well, why would I want to ruin my essence, Mac? I'm not doing it.

Charlie:So I'm just gonna blurt it right out. Bros before hoes.

Mac:Uh, he's right. Bros before hoes.

Dennis:Yeah, he's got us. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Dee:That doesn't fit here. Bros before hoes? What does that have to do with anything?

Dennis:That's sort of a catch-all, Dee.

Mac:What if we burn the body and carry the ashes up the hill? No, no. I could consecrate them.

Charlie:Look, no one is going to torch or consummate all over my dad.

Mac:Bros before hoes, Dee. Frank, can I please have a white wine spritzer?

Frank:No, no, they're for Charlie.

Mac:Charlie... Charlie, order me a wine spritzer, please.

Dennis:What if we chop the body up? Come on. And we carry it in pieces, right? Or-or melt it somehow.

Frank:Like you did to Dee's doctor guy?

Frank:Well, well, that doctor showed up at the castle, and you weren't there, so Dennis poured hot oil on him.

Dee:What?!

Dennis:Shut up! Come on!

Dennis:It-it wasn't even that hot.

Dee:Did you use the murder hole?

Dennis:You weren't there to enjoy him so I enjoyed him, per the castle's wishes.

Charlie:You-you killed my dad with your stupid banshee curse.

Dee:My stupid what?

Charlie:That's why he died. Every Kelly saw a banshee right before he died. My dad saw you, so, you got to be here.

Dennis:We don't even need you. We were probably gonna throw you from the top anyway!

Mac:I thought about it.

Frank:Did you think about?

Mac:I did, too.

Dennis:God.

Frank:I was thinking about it, too, yeah.

Dennis:Well, it's that monstrous spine of hers, you know? The scoliosis hardened it into petrified wood, unlike my back which is pretty much all muscle.

Mac:Were you not carrying it? Not carr... What are you talking about, man? Not carrying it?

Dennis:Yeah, I was carrying it.

Mac:Why did it get lighter?

Dennis:Oh, my God.

Mac:It looks like he was dragging his feet back here.

Dennis:Yeah, I was hanging on the bag a little bit. You know, just from moment to moment, you know, just a tiny, tiny bit, okay? I was trying to decompress my Vitruvian spine. I'm sorry!

Mac:Now as a Dutch man, I think I would look at this the way I would think of a windmill or a dam. Cool. How's a windmill gonna help us? I haven't been Dutch long enough to know.

Frank:Oh. Oh. Okay, that's my bad. Oh. Okay. That is, uh... That's gonna be a mess inside that bag, guys. Oh, yeah. That's one big sack of Irish stew.

Mac:You guys are gonna want to hear this. So, uh, uh, Dutch first. Dutch first, then gay, then problem solver. Now could you repeat that back to me?

Dennis:All right, you're Irish, Mac. Yeah. You're not Dutch.

Mac:What? You're Irish.

Dennis:Right, but we knew you were gonna be so goddamn annoying about it on the trip, and that it was gonna be the only thing you talked about, so we paid your mom to tell you you were Dutch.

Dennis:It cost us a couple of loosies.

Charlie:Yeah.

Dennis:Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.

Mac:I'm gonna get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg!

Dennis:Don't you dare!

Mac:Oh, I'm gonna do it!

Dennis:Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

Charlie:You know, he slaved away as a cheese monster, or whatever. He died with his lungs filled with fluid, he was gasping for air.

Charlie:COVID?! But so-so the poor guy's dying from a banshee curse, and now he's got to deal with COVID on top of everything else?

Dennis:What, do you think I'm shooting COVID laser beams out of my eyeballs?

Frank:Of course there is! The-the-the hydro pills and the... and the bleach, and the... the horse dewormer. The-the president's stuff!

Frank:Where they put the thing in your arm with the chip, and it goes inside your body? I heard the nerd on the island talk about them. That once they get that thing inside of you, they can control your thoughts. They take your thoughts, download 'em, put 'em into a manatee.

Dennis:been ruined by tiny cars, castle beds and... Goddamn. I hate this godforsaken country!

Frank:For what it's worth, I'm sorry I'm not your real dad.

Charlie:Thanks, Frank. I'm kind of sorry, too.

Charlie:Aah! Whoa! Is that piss? Oh! That's not supposed to be the piss one! Why do you have a piss one?

Charlie:Oh, give me that. Wash it out with Gatorade.

Charlie:Goddamn it, Frank!

Frank:Ooh.

Charlie:Huh?

Frank:That's piss, too!

Charlie:Oh, no!

Frank:Oh, I must have got confused and pissed in 'em both. Wait, wait, wait. I got you a spritzer! How about a spritzer?

Mac:Oh, Dee, don't worry about it, because as soon as I figure out who or what I am, you'll never see me again!

Dennis:You're Irish.

Dee:You're Irish.

Dennis:You are Irish!

Dee:You are Irish!

Dennis:You're an Irishman!

Mac:Shh!

Dee:I will speak at whatever volume I choose, and if you don't like it, you can suck my big fat dick! One volume? For every single person in the whole wide world? That's socialism, and I won't stand for it!

Dee:We are America, sweetheart! And we carry our country with us wherever we go! Because we love her! And when you love someone, you can't bear to leave 'em behind! Not ever!

Charlie:This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill. You never carried me up a hill. You never picked me up from school. You didn't read me bedtime stories. You didn't carry me on your shoulders. You didn't bounce me on... You weren't there!

Charlie:Ah, Frank's right. I'm glad you're dead. I'm glad you're dead. Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to pick me up.

Dennis:It was supposed to go in the water. Maybe they usually do this at high tide. They probably did, yeah.

Mac:Yeah. Well, the birds will get him.

Mac:But there's a bunch of kids down there.

Dennis:Oh, there's kids! Are there kids?

Mac:Oh, shit. Yeah.

Dennis:Oh, that's good, then. They'll find the body. And they'll call the cops. It-It'll be sort of like a Stand by Me situation.

Charlie:You want to get some stew?

Dennis:God, no. That stew's gross.

Mac:Yeah, man. Stew?

Dee:Oh, it is kind of nasty.

Dennis:Yeah.

Mac:You guys want to go to McDonald's?

Dennis:Oh, yeah.

Dee:Oh, yeah.

Charlie:Yeah.

Mac:Oh.

Dennis:Oh, McDonald's.

USA! USA! USA!