Theres The Rub 1

Philip · Will:What the hell are you doing down here? Oh, um, I thought I heard somebody breaking in. What you doing down here? Uh, the same thing.

Philip · Will:Pie's in the fridge. Yep. Nothing like sneaking a little pie before Thanksgiving.

Philip:This is not the first Philip Banks pie-jacking. Son, son, I have been jacking pies since, what, Thanksgiving 1953.

Philip:Rhubarb. Tart little thing. 1954, I got sloppy. Got busted. 1955, we got a dog. Sparkie. From then on, the dog ate the pie.

Vivian:So I guess it's your nose I should've been shoving in the pan.

Will:Well, actually, keeping his nose out of the pan would have been more of a punishment.

Will:Oh. Grandma Hattie, the pie hider.

Hilary · Geoffrey:God knows that The Hilary Show could use some publicity. There is no limit to your giving, is there, Miss Hilary? Thank you, Geoffrey, that's so sweet.

Carlton:I called down and put my name on a volunteer list. But I'm not physically going down there. But don't worry, it'll still look good on my résumé.

Carlton:But, Mom, I can't drive through that part of town. There are homeless people down there.

Carlton:Okay, fine. But before I go, I'm taking the pennies out of my loafers.

Aunt Helen:It's like looking in a mirror.

Philip:A regular Mother Teresa.

Vivian · Hattie:No, no, no. For five hours straight, Helen never stopped moving. Well, that's why I've always had a boyfriend.

Helen:You know that's right.

Ashley · Helen:I can't wait to get elbow deep in them turkey gizzards. Honey, you need to get cable.

Ashley · Helen:Just because I'm a woman, I'm suppose to don an apron on Thanksgiving? I don't think so. Well, I guess somebody burned their training bra.

Will · Ashley:Aunt Helen, you ever heard of traveling light? And that's probably just her makeup.

Helen:Funny, I don't remember voting.

Helen:That's because it's so dry, it'd go up in flames.

Vivian:Oh, we all know what a picky eater he is.

Philip:Never take sides when women are arguing. You can't win. Look at me, boy. Lesson number one, whatever you say is wrong.

Will:Well, Mom, I think that your stuffing is the best in the world. Yes. What? Oh, I mean... I'm saying... At least that's what I thought before I tried Grandma Hattie's herb stuffing.

Philip:Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Will:You gonna leave me hanging out here like this, huh?

Will · Various · Philip:How about y'all make them all? That's a good idea. Hey, yes. Okay, I'm for that. I guess I'll get to cook this year. And you can judge which is best. The both of you.

Hilary:Oh, my God. Have you ever seen so many fashion don'ts in one room?

Hilary · Homeless person:Excuse me. Could you help me? The food's over there. But I'll save a seat for you.

Hilary:Beauty is such a curse.

Carlton:And fit too. You work out, don't you?

Hilary:But really, how famous was Oprah before she was famous?

Hilary:Oh, no, thank you. I'm already fully accessorized.

Philip:He can't catch a cold.

Philip:You know, I once told her that the Fiesta Bowl was a three-day event. I didn't have to do anything all weekend.

Ashley:Holidays are the reason they should've passed the ERA.

Philip:Ooh. The student has become the teacher.

Vivian:Believe me, you don't need my onions to ruin your stuffing.

Helen:You hold on to things like a rottweiler.

Philip:I'm glad I never had daughters.

Will · Philip:What'd I do wrong? You didn't believe.

Nicky:Mommy, Daddy's fallen and he can't get up.

Will · Philip:No, you didn't, Uncle Phil. You said, 'One, two.' But then when... I said, three.

Will:Yeah, yeah. You're probably right, Uncle Phil. And, you know, tonight, while we're all in the dining room having turkey... and four different kinds of stuffing and mashed potatoes... and sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce... And little tiny onions... swimming in a sea of cream sauce.

Will:Have him mix you up, like, a turkey smoothie.

Will:That time, you definitely said three.

Carlton:Just because somebody stunted your growth... doesn't mean you need to take it out on me.

Server · Carlton:Is that a short joke? Why, did it go over your head?

Server:Maybe you ought to look into community college.

Homeless man:Look like somebody hit you with an ugly stick.

Hilary:Well, I guess you don't have to be any kind of actress to be a talk-show host.

Will:Actually, I do got a kink right in here, you know. Very tight.

Helen:Yeah, because they forgot their shoes.

Helen:Nine hundred numbers don't count.

Geoffrey:It's a tie. You both lose.

Homeless man · Carlton:What kind of a narrow-minded elitist view of the world do you have? You come down here once a year, give a guy a couple slices of turkey... and all of a sudden you think you're better than he is? I had you going.

Homeless man:You're a gullible little fellow, aren't you?

Philip:Do you have anything a little lower in cholesterol?

Philip:I believe the correct term is large.

Will:Baby, I will take the special with a side of coleslaw and some extra biscuits.

Will:Yeah, maybe this is a big deal, Uncle Phil.