The Carpet

What? Oh, nothing.

June. Summer. So, that'll be nice.

What? Oh, nothing.

I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

Spamster!

Pam, plus Spam, plus... Hamster. Right.

Did you get lucky? Boink.

And this year I got to the third week in January.

'I am Pam.' Spicoli guy.

Whoa! God! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Is that a bird? No, I don't think it's a bird.

Don't be a wuss. Just get... No, I'm not holding your coffee.

Hey, guys. Somebody making soup?

She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation.

So this is sort of like my audition tape.

I did not do that. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. It was not me.

Which I guess I'll be taking. No, no, no. Seriously, I don't mind sharing. No, no, no. Seriously, I'll be in the back.

Allergy to... the desk?

Don't ape me.

'Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us, so stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.'

if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away

My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up. 'Cause aren't all hangers, like, that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that.

So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and I walk around the piles to get an outfit...

Packer and I once spent a whole day with our pants off.

And when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy.

Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like, a minute. The guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired.

Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical.

Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones...

Oh, my God, he is so cute. Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me?

Please, Jim. Please, please, please.

Old-fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting.

Sales rules! Yes! Yeah! Yeah!

Should we help them pick up their stuff? No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that.

It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral.

I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office.

I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Stop. Jethro Tull... Stop it. Stop it. Don't.

Right here I'm gonna put a crisp $100 bill. Seventy, eighty, one, two, three. $83.

Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us.

What's that? What are you doing? Nothing. I think he's dancing. No, just... That was definitely not dancing.

Maybe that's all we need to know.

This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them.

I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talking about. That's not what a hate crime is. Well, I hated it a lot, okay.

What's our punishment? You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly.

I don't know. It depends if you like a little junk in...

Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything.

My biggest fear is turning into him. Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse.

You can love a boss like you do a father. I'm not sure that ever happens. Well, okay. Different management styles.

I would've reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them.

'No. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.'

And I got your number from the corporate directory, and well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right?

Hello, yes, I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Who is this? How did you get this number? Your mom, you gay nerd.

Are you kidding me?

It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand.

Sudoku. Level, moderate. Time, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.

Hey, what's that word we made up for when you have a thing stuck in your shoe?

I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office.