Michaels Birthday

Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Who is this guy again? Don't worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He's doing just fine.

These things sell themselves. Who uses calling cards anymore?

It sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Yes, thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will.

When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme.

It is a... It's not even a scheme, per se. It's...

I have to go make a call.

I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect icebreaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

You're late. Thank you, it's noon. But, I forgive you. Because doth, it is my birthday.

Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. And then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done.

It is from Italy. Actually, Bulgaria. So...

Good luck. One-of-a-kind. EBay.

They've been working 24l7, all day, yesterday.

Let's get the party started. Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you.

When should we bring out the cake, 1:00 or 1:30? 1:00 is good. 1:30.

Where do we get those? Not my problem.

Michael wants a stripper gram? Yes, but he doesn't want to know when or whom.

Really? 'Cause I thought we had the same birthday.

Am I on camera? Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart.

You can take a five if you want.

I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.

You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope.

I can sign for it. Oh, thanks.

When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me for probably three hours and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday.

It's your favorite song. Yeah, when it's on the radio.

My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Apparently, my mother is the only one who cares enough to send me anything.

I probably care more than she does. You're making it worse.

I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this.

If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

The exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal.

There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair.

I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Maybe, but we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion and...

Okay, that is not an 8-foot sub. We don't make an 8-foot sub. This is eight 1-foot subs.

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food, I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist. Because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Baloney, tomato and ketchup. The best. These are all the same. Yes.

Get whatever you want. And choke on it.

When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had.

Sixty-nine Cup of Noodles. Which we realize sounds crass, but it is his favorite number. And his favorite lunch.

Someone ate three feet of that thing? Hell, yeah.

But don't expect any cookie. But what if I'm hungry? No cookie.

You use fabric softener? Yeah. You don't? No, I do.

Kevin, respect the birthday, please? No. No, not yet.

I asked for trick candles. Pam was supposed to get them. Sorry. Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again.

No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.

That's terrible news for both of us.

Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner.

Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener. The kind with the cute... Ma'am, please don't touch that. That is not a toy.

It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Yeah, but it's not brain cancer, and it shouldn't stop us from having fun.

Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and Dacarbazine. And laughter also.

I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. I work here. 'I work here.'

And don't say the bathroom, because I kicked in all the stalls.

How dare you, sir. You are gross.

I thought about playing in the NHL, but you're on the road so much. You get no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids.

Those things are like ticking time-bags.

Well, apparently, in the medicine community, 'negative' means 'good,' which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.

'From Dwight. Number One.' Thank you, Dwight. That's great.

Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know. It was a good day.