Drug Testing

You look cute today, Dwight. / Thanks, girl.

Jim's list of marijuana symptoms perfectly describing Kevin

And by the way, I haven't.

I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.

Pam's failed Phyllis impression attempt

Stop! This is not Kelly Kapur story hour.

Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it! 'Cause I was half-baked!

I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone's ever offered him any.

Have you ever... pooped a balloon?

That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. / No. It's marijuana.

Jinx. Buy me a coke.

Sold out! That has never happened in the history of jinx!

Two nights ago I went to an Alicia Keys concert... I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Take Cheech and Chong. Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot.

One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives.

Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. / Yes, it is. / No, it's not. It's a type of pipe.

Jim's fake crying performance

You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy. / We test a lot of urine. / Mine was green.

I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

I want him to have all the urine he needs.

His father's name? Dwiged Schrued.

My dad cheated a lot, but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it.

Jim's prolonged jinx torture of Dwight

I took an oath when I was sworn in. And I broke that oath today.

Can I have a gun? / No. I don't have a gun. / I'll have to bring in my bow staff.

Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People.

Dwight's elaborate search warrant explanation

You're totally harshing the office mellow.

Rattin' somebody out. Narc. Narc!

You wanna work at the urinalysis lab?