Diwali

Nice dress, Ryan. It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Okay.

Tonight, one of our most ethnic coworkers, Kelly

What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it, 'It's...' 'It's so super, fun. And it's gonna be great.'

A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. 20 minutes later, you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

You look so handsome. You really do. I love the material. I know. How come you didn't get me one? I...

Do you want to make Appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?

Well, go with Dwight. He's single too right? Yeah, totally single. 100% available.

I don't know. Who's, uh, who's going? Ohh...you mean, like, is Pam going?

Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Hey, hey, hey, stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up. Because I am sure that they are very tasty. And nutritional.

And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Really? You should. It's fun.

I love the people here. And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures.

Um, Diwali is awesome. And there's food, and there's gonna be dancing. And, oh, I got the raddest outfit. It has sparkles...

Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday? Oh, um, I don't know. It's really old, I think.

How many gods do you have? Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that.

And that blue, busty gal-- what's her story? She looks like Pam from the neck down. Pam wishes.

All right, all right. This isn't Lord of the Rings.

Oops, sorry. I started biking to work. Josh does it. And he lives a lot farther away than I do.

Nice basket. Thank you.

Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.

Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel-Prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu, from The Simpsons. Hilarious Indian.

M. Night Shyamalan. The Village, Unbreakable, Sixth Sense. I see dead people. Okay! Spoiler alert. He was dead the whole time.

Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your... skinny little arms.

We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold. On again, off again. Sexual-tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. From Cheers.

And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you 'The Kama Sutra'.

I mean, look at that. Who has seen that before? I have, that's the union of the monkey. Oh, that's what they call it. This is the best meeting we have ever had.

I find this incredibly offensive. Well, I find it beautiful. Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine. But we shouldn't all be subjected to it.

My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex, people. Everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carol. Probably tonight.

I said, are you ready to part-ay!

Isn't this fun, not wearing shoes? I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Stop it. It's a disease. I've...told you.

I thought you said this was a costume party. What does that look like to you? An Indian woman in a sari.

Hey, Kevin, it's a costume. You just cool it, okay?

I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? It's all vegetarian. I'll just have some bread.

You used your hands. Oh, yuck. What, a little too spicy? These s'mores are disgusting. They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Do you think they have any s'mores?

All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

So...you're Kelly's sisters, huh? What? Rupa, Neepa, Tiffani. Stop acting like such little losers, and just be cool.

They said something about Zach Braff.

I decided to come. I feel a little underdressed. But at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?

Temp! Temp!

Stop it, stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker makes no money. Wali is a whole doctor, so handsome, makes good money. You think I wanna date a doctor?

Hey, big tuna, you ready? Yep. One, two, three. Shot! Ohh! Holy mother of God. Ooh, that burns. Golly!

Wow, thirty years. And you two only met once before the wedding night. Yes. Wow. How long have you been married to the cheerleader?

Oh... She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party. Um, no, we're not married. Yet!

So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool.

Okay, I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking, 'Who is this crazy gringo, and what is he talkin' about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love.

Carol...Carol Stills.. I would like you... to do me the honor of making me your husband.

Oh, Michael What do you say? Can we talk about this in private? I didn't hear you. Can we talk about this in private? Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I get it You're not ready. We'll wait. This is our ninth date, Michael. Well, yeah, but I-- I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all.

Hey, you know what? Why don't come with you? 'Cause I've got this book called The Kama Sutra. Okay, good night, Michael.

Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So, the compensation is a lot more competitive. So you're saving money now to start a family and home? Oh, or travel. And, and buy an Xbox.

Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Is it? He's really outgoing, huh?

It's hot in there. How's the naan? Dry. You looked like you were having fun. I am. You should come dance with us. I have to watch our shoes, so they don't get stolen.

Tuna! Are you kidding me?!

Pam... When Carol said no tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.

Well, you were never really engaged. I was in that marriage arena, though.

I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. We're so alike. So alike.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm rejecting your kiss. What?

Can I have a ride home? If you sit in the back.

Hey, can I have a ride, man? I, uh, I have my bike. No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.

Hey, dummy, get the car. I'm a drunk driver. Yes, you are. Here, let me take that. Just, get in the car. You can really hold your liquor, though. Yeah, you can't.

These are not my shoes.

This is just like that show Taxi Cab Confessions. If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.

Why not to Indians everywhere? It's a tribute to one of the greats. Mr. Adam Sandler.