Branch Closing

Jim reveals he's been sending Dwight faxes from himself in the future about poisoned coffee

Dwight knocking coffee out of someone's hand shouting 'Nooo!' then saying 'You'll thank me later'

I love to start my day with a hearty bowl of Jan. Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby.

On whom's authority? The board's.

Am I a small number person or a severance package person? But you're a severance package person.

Call me. You got it, buddy.

King of the stupid universe?

I know I hurt you. But please do not do this to me. Don't hurt me like I hurt you.

You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. There is no Stanley tree.

Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm.

When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. Right now, the title of Michael's book is Something Weird Is Going On. Colon: What Did Jan Say?

The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.

Rumor has it that the Scranton branch is 'gklch.' In your face. Sucka.

Are you okay? Yeah. Great, amazing. Best physical condition of my life.

Oh, my God, you walk so slowly.

It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. 1,000 business cards with this address and phone number.

If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet. The Claire Danes one.

It'd be like going to your high school reunion, and saying 'Hey, I missed you guys.' And then they're all like, 'Oh, don't worry about it. We're all gonna move in with you... forever.'

So listen, I know you're seeing someone, but I'm still willing if you are. What... willing? You remember. Like six years ago we said that on our last day of work that we would... sleep together. Oh... God, uh, um, I did not say that. Was that not you? No, not... not me.

Day just gets worse and worse.

It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise.

In my fantasy, I always thought I would slap someone, make a big speech and storm out forever. But this is good too.

I don't wanna work here without Pam. That'd just be like loading trucks without any meaning. You know?

I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. I really couldn't be happier.

I wasn't. So you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable.

Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So we're good.

This is my house. The CFO's taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance.

Um, like when you said the branch was closing?

Shotgun! No, there's no one else. Still.

You send him cards? You've never met him. Well, when I do, we'll have something to talk about.

I think it's for the best.

This is exactly what Michael Moore does. Famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera, and he's like, 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although I can't say I was a big fan of Bowling For Columbine. Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie. Like Kingpin. And it wasn't. It was something else.

I, um... will not be taking the job. W... Excu... why not? As of today, I have accepted a senior management position at Staples. Today.

This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. Damn it, Josh.

Say what you will about Michael Scott. But he would never do that.

Listen, Scott. It's no longer financially viable. We're losing money, okay? It's not a charity. It's a business. And it's a dying business. Look, the whole business model of the small regional paper company simply doesn't make sense anymore. Stop... stop it. Just... Okay, he's not gonna say any of that.

Don't touch me this time.

Kelly, best wishes. Love, Pam. P.S. What a long, strange trip it's been.

No, no, no. Just, um, some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revisit that, I don't think.

Hey, did we ever have a conversation about doing something on the last day of work? Does that ring a bell? Do you remember hearing a rumor about me and anybody, last day of work? Something sexual? No.

Well, you know, I've got art school. Oh, that's... Yeah, of course, you should totally do that. That's a great idea. Yeah, um... I am already. I started a while ago.

You can learn a great deal about a man from his trash. Case in point: Satellite TV bill. Hm, lesson learned: He's rich.

Coffee grounds. Was he enjoying a delicious hot beverage? Or disguising the scent of cocaine from drug-sniffing dogs?

How 'bout Cooper's, then? No seafood. Well, I don't want to go to DJ's. Oh, now, all of a sudden, you get picky? Okay. Forget it.

Hooters. No.

Your branch is not closing. Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all of your jobs are safe.

Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something?

Cornell has an extensive alumni network so... We look out for each other. Probably go back and teach or something. Where'd you go to college? Hm, Cornell.

I just don't want it to be weird. You know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Yeah, yeah, that might be weird.

We don't have to break up now, Ryan! Mm, mm, mm! It is the best day of my whole life.

New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton.

Made like 1,200 bucks.

Can you be at my place in 20 minutes? Yes, I can.

Then it was an honor to have worked with you.

My first day, when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher. That was hilarious. The foam.

What about when Jan said the branch was closing? God, Dwight.

Hey, I hear Jim's coming back. Really? Where did you hear that?

I'm, uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here. Yeah, me, too. I mean, it'd... It's be a pain to have to find another job so...

I think you should take it. Okay, yeah. Maybe I will.

Yeah, I'm... I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything. But... I'm kind of into him. So... there you go.

I'm such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore!

Stamford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed! Stamford is closed! We did it? We did it! We did it!

How did we do it? I don't know. I have no idea. I don't understand.

Well, for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But Costa Rica will still be there... when I'm 65.