Branch Wars

Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

This is a dummy, a la Ferris Bueller's day off. We have tied a string to the wrist which goes to the door. When somebody opens the door, the hand goes down, hits the remote, turns on the tape recorder, which is me snoring.

I will know. - But you will not tell anyone. I won't need to, 'cause we'll be together playin' hooky! Well, sometimes. Most of the time, I will be with Ryan.

Or Darryl.

I don't understand why sleeping is better than you not being... Just go out and come back in.

You completely misinterpreted my tone. This is a horrible thing. Clearly, Karen is trying to get back at us because Jim dumped her.

You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big, watery red eyes.

I don't know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left.

How can I get you to stay? - Money. Yeah. We all want money. But there is none in the budget, so... Tell me why you're really leaving. - Money.

Mo money, mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that.

Let me ask you this. If I were... - Money.

Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Filipellers, how they hangin'? - Michael. - To the left? To the right?

You may have Toby. - Toby's not a salesperson. - You can train him. He's very, very smart. And funny, and charming.

I can't do it. Toby is the worst. That... That was a bluff.

Do you like magic? Because I am a genie in a bottle, and I'm going to grant you three wishes: to move to Scranton, to have a great job, and to be my best friend.

Aren't you the guy that hit the woman with your car? - Get out. - Yeah. I also saved her life. But I guess that's not as grabby.

Everyone says Scranton branch is worse than Camden. Didn't everyone from Stamford quit, like immediately?

No, I fired them, and you're next.

Scranton is the cool, fun branch. We're like animal house.

It's Vivaldi. For Finer Things. - That's the problem. That's the problem. We need rock and roll, Pam. Rock and roll!

Oh, my... god. That's why people are leaving. I... I have no words.

Surprise! - Yes! - Look at his face! - Look at his face! - What are we doing?

We are going on a panty raid to Utica is what we're doing.

We are going to make Karen wish that she had never been dumped by you.

Well, that kinda sucks, because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it. So... Oh, no. That is too bad.

Here's what we brought. We brought uniforms from the warehouse. I brought silly string. Dwight brought gasoline and rubber to make stink bombs. - Or real bombs. - No, no. Not real bombs.

You kidding me? We've been driving with this in the trunk the whole time?

So... the deal was, Dwight doesn't blow anything up, and I wear a costume. And a moustache.

So why did you and Karen break up? - Was it the sex? - What? - I can't imagine the sex being bad. Her body...

Dwight, are you peeing? - I'm peeing in this empty can. - Oh, my god! - That is disgusting, Dwight.

I think I cut my penis on the lid.

Just came to discuss my favorite E.M. Forster novel. Pam, these finger sandwiches look finger-lickin' delicious, Pam.

The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. Naturally, it's where I need to be. Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my safety.

If we've to defend ourselves, I'll stab the security guard in the eye with the jumbo chalk. - No! No, you won't do that. Nope. - Then I'll grind up it and blow it in his eyes.

Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

What are you microwaving?! - Popcorn. - Why don't you use the microwave in the kitchen, Phyllis? - Someone needs to clean it. It smells like popcorn.

You've been like an uncle to me. Like a kind old... uncle Remus.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

Just climb on top of her and think about Stanley.

Host the dundies.

Copy that.

I cried for weeks over that guy. So, yeah... Seeing him climb out of a PT Cruiser in a ladies' warehouse uniform... felt pretty good.

Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... we will burn Utica to the ground.

No, I didn't wanna see you. Not that I'm not happy to be seeing you. Right now. I'm just saying, ultimately, I was here for the copier. Equal. I'd say it was equal.

Go 'cause of traffic. Definitely. Beat... Beat the traffic.

Here is a box... for your things. But I doubt that that box will be able to contain... all the memories that you have of this place.

Fly away, sweet little bird. Fly away and be free.

Wanted... middle-aged black man with sass. Big butt. Bigger heart.

How on earth did Michael call my bluff? Is he some sort of secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things.

Angela's ashes. Top of the mornin' to it. Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold, say I.

Did you even read it? - Course I read it. - How does it end? Who was the main character? - Angela. - Nope. - Ashes.