Survivor Man

Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Made so many s'mores, that I finally had to say, 'No more s'mores, no more s'mores.'

Hey, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I need that room at some point, so just, wrap it up.

When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. And I am always busy.

Your body only has a certain amount.

Hello, I'm Broken Mountain.

It's one guy, or two guys, if your plans change. Not gonna change.

Asbestos. I thought we had that looked at.

I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office.

I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk.

It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose.

The choice is yours. No, the choice is actually yours.

This is a very personal private experience in the wild, that I wish to share with me, myself and I.

Let's put it this way: no, I do not.

You would never escape. Well, yes I would. And I would survive. I would make sure that you were dead. Then I would remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you could not be identified. And they would call me the Overkill Killer.

You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.

It would be better if you were unconscious.

Please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life.

What? There are thirteen people working in this office, so thirteen times a year Michael gets a cake and balloons, and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.

Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.

He only sings the high harmony to 'Happy Birthday.'

And he's a very big believer in surprise parties. Maybe even, arguably, possibly to a fault.

Happy Birthday!

You're shaking things up a bit, huh? It's a pretty good idea, don't you think? Do you think it's a good idea? No... I think it's a great idea.

You know, try sending them another invoice. Did you see my memo by the way?

I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction.

Wow! That was easy. Yeah, people like me, I guess.

I want pie. I want peach pie. You want a birthday pie? I want a nice cobbler.

You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Watch that I don't hit my corroded artery here...

I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him. I will let harm befall him. I will even let him die. But I will never let him lose his dignity.

Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgey the Whale.

Pizza rolls. OK, I'm gonna go into this office here to do some work. So I will be in here. Mushroom caps.

Wish I could have gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS!

Michael is a man of great depth and passion. I don't know what he's searching for out here. I hope he finds it.

Well, it is a little chillier than I had thought, so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants.

I have made this spear, with which I will impale my dinner.

I have been without food for a good three hours or so. I'm startin' to feel it a little bit.

I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.

Why don't you mind your business?

Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago, so he doesn't care. Probably went to his head.

Well if you take a look at this, I tented my pants. I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter.

And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper some day.

Nothing to worry about. Just using the scope. Safety is... on.

My birthday was two months ago. There was no party. Well, it... there was. But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a Friday. You know, people sang in the parking lot.

Toby's great. He's great, but sometimes he can be a little bit much. 'I don't see the harm in that.' Well, it's a cake Toby, so, c'mon.

No. No way. I am not a machine, Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding.

Hey, Michael. I mean Jim. Yup, Phyllis called me Michael. And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.

Those are nature's best mushrooms. Wild, and I have to say these little buggers are damn tasty as well.

Get them out.

Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth, and clothing, and television and hamburgers, and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day.

I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around, A.C.

I can also make it the sky.

Well, I tried to put all the birthdays together at once. Terrible idea. Yeah, okay, I did that. Rookie mistake.

Just wait. Ten years, you'll figure it out. I don't think I'll be here in ten years. That's what I said.

That's what she said.

I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard. That's what she said.

Nice. Really good. Bravo, my young ward.