The Duel

12 miles an hour. eat that, carl lewis!

Angela made several 9-1-1 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. it's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.

wow, 13! no, no. no, there was wind. i was just jogging. dwight, there was wind.

31! 31! there was a car. i was ahead of the car. 31 is my new number.

31 is humanly impossible.

he says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. and i'll be honest, i have little or no idea what that means, so... probably bad.

new year, new candy. whoo-hoo! okay, be careful, kevin. they're kind of spicy. hot tamales. yeah. so maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more.

no one has rsvp'd to our wedding yet, and the deadline was yesterday.

andy still doesn't know that angela's having an affair with dwight. and it's been 17 days. i mean, eventually he'll figure it out... when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth.

how can he still not know?

what is wrong with you? she is engaged. did you ever have intercourse in this office?

are you serious? ugh. where?

where, dwight? seems like you already know where.

oh, i'm sorry. i didn't realize i was doing something wrong. if i had, i would've admitted it and stopped right away. because i wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form--

that was good. it just at the end, you weren't saying something that could also apply to the form. how about 'i'm sorry i did such a whorish job filling out this form.'

that cannot be true! you're going to charge me a fee to cut my own cake? uh, no. no, no, no. what i'm saying is i want to cut it myself.

trade seats with me. no. i've got a better angle on pam. i can see everything. please stop.

rule 17. don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. there are 40 rules all schrute boys must learn before the age of five.

learn your rules, you better learn your rules, if you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep

you've got to tell andy about us. that is a terrible idea. one of your worst. get it over with. then we don't have to hide anymore. you're expanding on your worst idea.

do you love me or not? i've already admitted that i do. why do you keep making me repeat it? because you're engaged to andy.

is she crazy in bed? yes. stop. how so, specifically? what? okay, listen. eager and flexible.

i am already walking. michael, once this gets out, i don't know how it's gonna go down. okay, what does that mean? might get ugly.

and just bear in mind that when i say-- say these things... that are bad things that you hear... in your ears, this is something that i... if i were you, that i wouldn't want to hear. you're not making any sense.

well... no, i'm not. so i-- i'm not very articulate today, so i'll just leave it for another time. another day. which'll be fine. i'm off. have a good meeting. thank you. kick wallace's ass. okay, i will.

dwight and angela are having an affair, so. i can't hear you through the glass. dwight and angela are having an affair. they've been sleeping together for some time.

i knew something bad was gonna happen today. you said that yesterday. yeah, my neighbor got murdered.

what are you standing for? if i'm sitting, i can't disable his neck or his groin. you're not gonna do anything to his neck or his groin. if i'm sitting, i don't have the option to.

would i have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if i didn't want to get married?

are you sleeping with dwight? a little bit.

i mean, we were together, and then he killed sprinkles. and then we stopped, and... i don't know exactly when we started up again.

david, here it is. my philosophy is basically this. and this is something that i live by. and i always have, and i always will. don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what. no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or-- or where you are going, or-- or where you've been... ever... for any reason whatsoever.

sometimes i'll start a sentence, and i don't even know where it's going. i just hope i find it along the way. like an improv conversation. an improversation.

so, like, missionary? i said nothing fancy.

you know what? i'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face. and not telling me what's been going on this entire time. you are welcome.

it's over. oh, good. she broke up with you. no. it's-- it's over between you two.

she doesn't love you. she's marrying me. well, i don't know about that because she certainly seems to enjoy making lovemaking with me.

angela bernard. will never be her name. it will be her name, and you will have to call her that.

i will fight you. nope. okay, fine! good! a duel. the winner gets angela. fine! fine!

my bare hands. that is stupid. i will use a sword, and i will cut off your bare hands. then i'll get something too.

i've had two men fight over me before. usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

i feel the need... the need for tweed.

i can't believe they're gonna fight over me. i guess people have fewer choices as they get older.

dear dwight, by now you have received my note. how are you? i am well. you are no doubt wondering why i have left this note.

it's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, i would surely be bested. true. the soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly.

the prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. he deserves the win.

protect her from what? bears, you idiot? when's the last time you saw a damn bear in scranton? last year, idiot!

you're like a sasquatch. you live in the woods. sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! so fine, call me a sasquatch.

i don't get it. how could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice? what? what? she's sleeping with you? i'm her fiance. she said she was only sleeping with me.

yes, hi. my last name is bernard, and i would like to cancel a wedding cake that i had ordered. b-e-r-n-a-r-d. yeah. the one shaped like a sailboat.

wow, what a day! ha ha! i thought i was gonna get chewed out. but hold on! here's an attaboy for you. what? roller-coaster ride. roller-coast.