Stress Relief

Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, and nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher.

Today, smoking is going to save lives.

Oh, my God! Fire! Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness. What's the procedure?

What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure? Stay... calm! Everybody just... calm down!

I forgot my purse! Leave it, woman! Things can be replaced, Phyllis! People, human lives, however...

My hand! That's hot! This one's hot, too. Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

Stay alive, I'm getting help! Pull me up! You're too heavy. I only weigh 82 pounds.

Save Bandit! (Cat yowls)

The fire's shooting at us!

Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!

A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. Electricity. Shampoo.

When no one headed... 'Take headed of.' No one would take headed of my instructions. So you... 'Heed.' 'Heed.' 'Take heed of.' 'Take heed of.'

Can you shove down? Shove down, please.

A mars life is in my hands.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 'Oh, this is the place that I might die today.' That's what a hospital's for. An office is for not dying.

An office is a place where dreams come true.

Boy, have you lost your mind? Because I'll help you find it! Did I stutter?

A throne for your highness. (Andy in British accent)

That could be a little confusing, because in sales ABC means 'Always Be Closing.'

I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

We are not always going to be there to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working.

I feel like I'm working in my own casket.

If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?

No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything.

How many is that per hour? I will divide and then count to it.

First I was afraid, I was petrified (to Staying Alive tune)

That's how I know you. (CPR instructor to Creed)

Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Clarice. (Dwight wearing dummy face mask)

I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out it's pretty realistic.

And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

We don't normally download films illegally because we're honest, hard-working people. And we don't know how.

Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

I state my regret.

You couldn't have memorized that? I could not because I do not feel it.

I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise.

Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. And it was going to be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, so they went with Cloris Leachman, with a small rewrite.

We mostly just talked about cereal.

If you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that.

That one makes me think of death. It's kind of nice.

And they give you a funny cigarette and you feel even more relaxed, and then you want ice cream.

Racism is dead, Stanley. You can have any kind of ice cream you want.

That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay.

So it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I'm the killer. You never expect that you're the killer. It's a great twist. Great twist.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce, so it was her parents or my parents.

Look at that perm. That perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss.

Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel? Everybody gets together and you start hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody's laughing and everybody is hugging each other.

I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Lower the mike for the midget.

If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott.

A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort.

Michael, you ran over me with your car.

You pathetic short little man. You don't have any friends or any family or any land!

He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.

If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle.

What's his name? I'm thinking Roy. Roy left years ago.

Stanley tried to die just to get away

My thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight.

My guess, he's either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them.

Michael is so dumb that he tries to put his M&M's in alphabetical order.

But he feels sorry for me because he has an incredibly powerful microscope and he can see my face.

When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

These muffins taste bad. Or an art critic. That painting is bad.

Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted.

Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted.

Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted.

Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted.

Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case.