Dream Team

Michael showing blurry photo claiming it's Johnny Depp in his condo complex

I read in People magazine that he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in Scranton

Well, you remember my idea for the fourth Pirates movie. Sure. That they should do one.

Jim calling Michael's pirate impression 'Cap'n Crunch' instead of Captain Jack Sparrow

You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff

It also explains why the name on his mailbox was M. Schulman

M. Night Schulman?

First up, the Lost and Found has gone missing. It itself is lost

But will be... Damn it! No, no, no. Meeting's not over.

You couldn't handle my undivided attention

make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order

All right, Dwight out! Salesman is King. As the best salesman, I am King of Kings

Oh, you say Jesus is King of Kings? Well, what does that say to you about how I think of myself?

Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk

Stop sexting Pam

Great. Teddy, nice. Let me just... Let me write that down real quick. Pencil. Give me a pencil.

The sales department smashed my sandwich. Yes. All of them. Together. It's a conspiracy.

That's what she said. Yeah.

You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that I have something that you want

I am sick of your uppity attitude, Jim

Okay, just imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone

Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that. Exactly that.

Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads, so I am going to give the leads to King Creed. And to King Meredith! And to King Angela. Because today we are all kings and queens

These aren't leads. What are they? Oh, right. Those are clues, and within each clue is a lesson

I'm trying to make your kids respect you, because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic? I don't even think you understand it. I do understand it.

How the tables have turned!

It's gonna cost you some clerical work. What are these for? It doesn't matter. Fill them out. All of them. And when you're done, you can watch me shred them

I want to watch The Kardashians, okay? I don't want to watch Bored To Death. It's mindless! Kardashians is a good show. It is... Thank you, Stanley!

I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you? Nothing but vomit and diapers over here. Oh, my God. I couldn't envy you more.

When arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, a certain manager will go to his moppy place. He means his mopey place. It's under that street lamp that he thinks was in Casablanca

Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally

Hey. I guess you probably won't give me your leads since I'm a jerk salesman. Yeah. I basically wish you were dead

Colder. Warmer. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warmer. Warmer! Hot! Hotter. Burning hot! Lower. Are you... Lower. Are you sure? Lower.

The treasure you seek is in the parking lot under the first president? Lincoln. The prankster is getting pranked

You are never going to find them. Really? I'm going to enjoy this. Give me the leads! Where are my leads? Give me the leads! I'm still enjoying it! Where are they? They're in the trash

All right, Meredith. Take off your dress. Okey-dokey. No, dear God, no. It's in the trashcan. In the kitchen. It's coming off either way

I emptied it in the dumpster. It had Toby's baba ghanoush. If we don't patronize the only Syrian restaurant in town, there'll be nothing left but pan pizzas and, you know, make-your-own-salads

What day is today? Tonight is Ghost Whisperer, so Friday. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, no, no!

Hey, hey! Wait! Wait! Okay, you know what? Let's just go to the dump, start looking. Ryan, come on. Shotgun in my car

You were all successories

This place has gone to hell

You know, Dwight, there was a time you'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity to look through a dump with me. Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak. Yeah. Well, sometimes the acorn just stays an acorn. If you don't believe me, look in my gutters

I have new baby pictures. Jim. Don't use your cute baby to make us like you. She's wearing a Onesie. Stop it.

If we act nice now, then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly. Didn't we kind of start it? Mmm. I think you're remembering that wrong

I mean, a lot of their work can be done from India

You've changed, man. Oh, why, 'cause I have a shot at a 100K commission? Since when do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent. Hey, there is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes

And I had an offer from Ivan Schotsky. The Ivan Schotsky. If I had assistant managed him... Assistant to the managed him. Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at a Home Depot!

I hitched my wagon to a horse with no legs

I should have been out at bars finding my soul mate, finding my wife, making babies. Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! That's my wife you're talking about, man! Your made-up wife who doesn't exist?

You watch it! If I'd wanted to hit you, I would have hit you

Stop it! Give me that. That's my spool!

Pam texted back saying we could give them all iPods. If they don't have an iPod by now, they really don't want one

Erin just texted me back. 'People love shells from faraway beaches.'

Amazing, isn't it? No other animal on Earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this

So, how about, guys, 1% commission a month instead of 2%? What do you think... No. No, we agreed 2% for the quarter

Way to go, guys. This... This was an integrity move. Yeah. When we walked in here, we were all prepared to tell you to go to hell. Do you have any pastries without fruit? Yes, we do. Eclairs

Well, you better be happy, taking 2% of our... 2% milk! What I forgot for the coffee. Yeah, treats, Stanley. They've accepted our simple offer of treats only, nothing more

This? Why would somebody throw that out? Waste. Hey. You know who'd like this? Phyllis. Purple much? Yeah, she does. She loves purple

You know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower. Mmm-hmm. That's it. Wow. And the caption would read... 'Hope grows.' 'In a dump.'

Is the good news that you found our leads? No. Better. We have an awesome beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room. I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat. Yeah, damn right you're not, 'cause it's for me and Michael only!

I have warm blood. Oh, wow. Thank you. You're the nicest person I've ever met