The Banker

Too loud. Too too loud, too loud. But effective. Look.

My diabolical plot is on hold for christmas.

My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. [snickers] Not really. I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed.

Hey, rockefeller center. I've actually been to rock center, And this is nothing like that.

Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it?

Why would you start so high? 27... 3, 2, 1... 26...

You didn't decorate it. Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? Is--is it fake?

And we're supposed to applaud you For you taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?

My cat killed a turtledove. The french hens have started pulling out my hair To make a nest.

Is it my fault that the first eight days There's basically 30 birds?

I slipped a note to jim 11 weeks ago, And he said I could do it. [giggles] [tearfully] oh...It's been a long journey... But...[sniffles] I'm santa claus!

What if you've been really, really bad? More 'evil' than strictly 'wrong.'

I had the exact same idea For catching osama bin laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it To find himself... In jail!

But really...I just get the recipe from the box. That's funny. Is it funny? I thought it was more... Interesting than funny.

I think my water just broke. That's too funny. Oscar and the warehouse guy. Go, oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy!

Hey, little girl, what would you like for christmas? Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.

It's insane! A woman santa? Where does it stop? No!

I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those.

If this were russia, yeah. Sure, everybody would go to one santa... At which point the kgb would arrest you And send you to siberia. It's a good thing russia doesn't exist anymore.

Why pay more to sit next to old tranny claus over there When you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing!

No, it's not, like, penis-wise.

Michael, it's me, kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.

But santa remembers a reindeer That was just a tiny bit different as well.

[quietly] oh, my god. [grunts] It's really comfortable. [gasping] [strained] what would you like for christmas, little boy? [panting]

I don't know. I-I didn't know you were gonna ask me that. Well, what did you think was going to happen? I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.

Can you give me some choices? 'cause I really don't wanna mess up on this list. What about if I tell you the things I don't want?

You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you So santa doesn't have to go through this again.

Don't make me get bob involved. What would bob do? Never mind. I shouldn't have said that.

[laughs] yeah! [both chuckling] Totally. I admit it. It's me. Seriously? [chuckling] are you serious? Yeah. Totally serious. I'm your secret santa. Busted!

Matt's a pretty good-lookin' dude, don't you think? I'll just leave it here with ya.

You can't yell out, 'I need this, I need this,' As you pin down an employee on your lap.

After you almost killed me? Michael, I had you. I just wanna try phyllis.

How do you know it's a gun? What else does it look like? Not a gun. Well, unless the missing pieces is a gun, You don't have a gun. Not a gun.

Let the party begin! I don't ask for much from christmas. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, Don't look at me!

Behold... Jesus christ. And I bring to you... Glad christmas tidings.

Oh...The antichrist. You cannot push religion. Oh, but I can push drugs in here. Is that what you're saying? Well, you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison.

All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's michael.

Oscar's pate's great. I could eat it all day, every day. How come the good ones are never straight, right?

Yes. They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

We don't have a north pole branch. Idiot! Oh, yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.

Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin. Look it up in the bible, people. A lotta fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to h-e-l-l, double hockey sticks. Goin' to hell, stanley.

That's fantastic! You can make another dress that goes past your feet.

I will give you a hint. His last name is christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. I am jesus, david.

Because phyllis, a woman, Has 'uslurped' my role as santa.

Earlier today, this office needed a santa. And then it needed a second santa. And then it needed a jesus. Now, it needs a michael. And that's one suit phyllis cannot fit into.

I...Don't want to say. But it's fun to stay at the... Where? Holiday inn. I don't--

I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel At this point. Guess what. Not gonna happen.

Ryan, you are my son, And... Pam, you're my wife, and jim... And angela and phyllis, you are my...Grandmas. And stanley, you're...Our mailman.

I call the school. I tell them I'm the pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda-bing, badda-boom.

It's not sweetie. It's michael scott. What the hell-- Michael--[huffs] I have never-- never, ever--

By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.

Nice to meet you, oscar. Nice to meet you, mark. It's matt. Right, matt. I know what I'm doing, pam.

I can use this for so many nuts--macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams. Snails.

I would like an xbox and... A tv that's compatible with an xbox. And I'm sorry.

Twelve drummers drumming. Merry Christmas, Aaron.