The Banker

When you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your makeup and your press-on nails, the principles that I'm applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star. Or any number of drag queens.

I am Computron, your answer to everything.

What is the world's largest ocean? Calculating. Pacific!

Great news, Michael, we're now the official paper supplier of the NFL. That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working.

She's our international sales consultant.

It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee.

For the record, not onboard with fake Stanley.

They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it. Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better. No, Computron, actually, I think Coopers is the best.

Actually, I am a fact checker.

I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.

He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff than you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder.

Ignore him. He's the local lunatic. Come on, Dwight, get out of here. Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron.

I wear many hats, but the one I'm wearing currently is that of gracious host.

Um... Nothing comes to mind.

Mike, get off of the lift. Please! Come on, now. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Today, smoking is going to save lives.

Stay alive, I'm getting help! Pull me up! You're too heavy. I only weigh 82 pounds. Save Bandit!

Yeah. It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

My hair! Get off! Get off me! I got it! I got it! Get it off! You're welcome.

Happy is a funny word. In what way? You know... You know, what does it mean to be happy? Keep philosophers busy for a while.

It would be better if you were unconscious. Try my googy googy.

Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words of the Reverend King?

You don't know? I don't know. You're the head of human resources. I don't know.

Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we gonna just take it away? That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls' school.

You said, come in! No, I didn't! Just, please, get out. Oh, my God! What's wrong with my outfit? You might consider pulling it down a touch. Bunch of prudes.

Meredith, your boob is out. Fine.

Damn it, Meredith, where are your panties? It's casual day.

You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.

Number one, inverted penis. Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.

I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy. A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.

You can consider this my retirement from comedy. Does that include 'that's what she said'? Yes. Wow, that is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... That's what she said!

Why did you get it so big? That's what she said. Does the skin look red and swollen? That's what she said. That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

Eat it, Phyllis. Dip it in the water so it'll slide down your gullet more easily. That's what she said.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I don't want to lie. And I don't want to tell the truth.

H.R. Pufnstuf. Right up my alley.

No. This company does not waste time or resources ever.

Flernenton. Flonkerton.

Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas. You're so pathetic. Well, I hope it was worth it, because I'm going to take it apart in about five minutes. I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

If I can skin a mule deer in less than 10 minutes, I ought to be able to cut my... Damn it! Jim!

He put my stuff in Jell-O again. Bang, boom, shake, klump!

Question, what kind of bear is best? That's a ridiculous question. False. Black bear. Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought. Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

This is Creed. And he is in charge of something. Right? That is correct.

I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Hey, where's Dwight? You didn't hear? Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.

I'm pretty sure none of that's real. You're not real, man.

This is a building where friends become lovers, and lovers become sexually interactive, right?

I like you. But you need to access your un-crazy side.

Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?

Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!

Well, I hope you're still committed, because I'm pregnant.

Jim has got it bad for Pam. Oh! Which one is Pam?

But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. If he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. We just... We never got the timing right. But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally... Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight? Yes. All right. Then it's a date.

Pam, will you marry me? Oh, my God!

What is Jim capable of? Or Pam? Or Kevin?

Computron experiencing emotion. Computron, I'm going to pull your plug, okay, buddy? Please don't. Computron wants to live. Shut... Shut up. Shut up.

Sittin' in my office With a plate of grilled bacon Call my man Dwight Just to see what was shakin'! Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty So check out how we live In the Electric City! They call it Scranton! What? The Electric City!