The Chump

Buenos dias, erin. Buenos dias, miguel. Hello, dunder-mifflin. No, no, no, no. Solamente, en español, por favor.

I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country Should learn how to speak spanish. They are our neighbors to the south, And to cancun.

Buenos diaz, dwight! Guten tag, herr michael.

I don't understand why michael Is wasting his time with spanish. I have it on very good authority That within 20 years, Everyone will be speaking german. Or a chinese-german hybrid.

Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of spanish. So I told him to mark everything With the international symbol for gender. And, um... I should have been more specific. Your office is full of genitalia.

Eso es lo que dice el. 'that's what he says'? Damn it.

Yo soy cancun. Uhh!

'I just delivered a baby. They didn't offer me a guarantee.' Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.

If you want people To put the best face on something, Why would you get two people Who probably have never cut the face Off of anything in their lives?

Did somebody order a hooker over here?

You look exactly alike. Oh, no, we're actually married. We're not brother and sister. I have a sense about these things. All right. You have some ancestors in common... Somewhere back. I knew it. You should see their baby.

Those don't really count. We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities. Come here. Come here. Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift. Okay? Now, all of a sudden, he's cinderella of the office.

White people, right? I don't know if she was white. Well, you can kind of tell from the voice. Yeah.

I could be the indian julia roberts. That's not-- she's--okay.

It's subtle. That's how it works. I show her an image that turns her on. And then she looks at me, then she looks at the image, Then back at me, then back at the image. Soon, she doesn't know what is me, What is the image. She just knows that she's turned on.

What was that printer we were looking at? [awkward silence where nobody responds]

But I work in the nightlife industry. I get hit on all the time. In my 20s, it would have been annoying. In my late 20s, I find it really flattering.

Don't act like you understood anything that guy said. Good luck, wingman.

Indian guys always wear their cell phones Outside their pants. It's so dorky. Oh, no, no. That's not dorky. Look, it's easily accessible. Boom, like this. 911, hello. Scranton strangler's in the house. Inside the house.

You ever notice you can only ooze two things: Sexuality and pus.

Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together To make them look bigger. Like that?

Actually, ran the numbers on this, And in this case, it makes more financial sense To gain money.

As her if she wants a mint. If she says no, then she is not interested. She does not like him.

'cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day. I was after your money. Well, the joke was on you.

This girls was really rude to me at the mall. So I created a fake I.M. Account From a hot guy at her high school, And now I'm trying to make her anorexic. Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat. Oh, that is so good.

Do you think you're treated differently Because of your race? Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in. 'we'? When I become executive, I'm gonna make ryan manager.

If you'd have told me this morning That today I'd be creating a monster Capable of my own destruction, I'd have thought you were referring To the bull moose and I are trying to reanimate.

Do you like mints? Yes. I carry mints with me sometimes. You ever tried those? Oh, I haven't tried those. No. They're good. You want one? Sure.

What sort of movie would rudy have been If he had just stopped, given up, After two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. But it would have ultimately been a disappointment.

Indians migrated from the caucuses region of europe. Therefore, technically, she is caucasian. You're welcome, america.

I never noticed that before. Sometimes my bangs cover it. Yeah. I don't want to be offensive but, uh, May I ask you what that means? I do find that offensive, actually.

This is hide tohsi hasagawa. He would like to apply for The sabre minority executive training program 'print in all colors' initiative. Dwight, what are you doing? Helping heal america In a dramatic fashion In the 11th hour.

In japan, heart surgeon, number one. Steady hand.

You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh... I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, And thought she was into me. But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff To bill my hmo.

I have your baguette.

They're going to be pretty pleased in tallahassee That I snagged an indian for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black. That didn't sound right.

Just once, I would like to be a puppet master And have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

You were right. About what? You were right. I'm sorry. No, no. No. I'm sor-- no.