The Cover Up

Pam:Yeah, Dwight, that's exactly what we're doing. We spent three hours last night learning morse code. Jim practiced on a telegraph machine he built in his garage. We've been coordinating our taps so perfectly that we can discuss your beet farm, your volunteer sheriff duties, and your weird obsession with bears all without making a sound. Yesterday we tapped out a 47-character message about your stapler. It took 20 minutes. Totally worth it.

Pam:I was fine until Dwight said my baby looked like a baked potato.

Dwight:Well, you were carrying a lot of water weight.

Dwight:I demand to know who ate my lunch!

Jim:Dwight, your lunch is right there in the fridge. We all watched you put it in this morning.

Pam:Yeah, and you've been staring at it all day.

Dwight:Oh. I see. Well then, I formally retract my accusation and offer my sincerest apologies to all parties involved. I shall submit my resignation effective immediately.

Michael:Why do you keep clicking that?

Jim:It's a pen.

Michael:Our relationship is like a business merger. We're combining our assets, our resources, our... our bodies. Orally.

Michael:🎵 I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious... 🎵

Michael:So, what did everybody do this weekend?

Michael:And that's why she won't return my calls. But you know what? I'm okay with it because I've already told you guys everything about her anyway.

Stanley:Can I go?

Michael:No. Sit down. I'm not done yet.

Stanley:But I have a lot to do.

Michael:Stanley, you know what? You're like a big dog and I'm gonna keep you here until you learn to sit.

Michael:Stanley, you can leave whenever you want. You're not helping anyone here anyway.

Todd Packer:Heart-shaped jacuzzis are perfect for romance.

Michael Scott:A heart-shaped jacuzzi? That's amazing!

Todd Packer:Yeah, and they come with a second jet setting for when you've got company.

Michael Scott:Wait, what do you mean 'company'?

Todd Packer:You know, a third person. For balance.

Michael:I drove all the way to the other side of town for P.F. Chang's because their lettuce wraps are... well, they're out of this world. You know what I'm saying?

Michael:I mean, I really know how to... work those wraps. Whoops, that came out wrong.

Michael:TMI, right? Too much information!

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Is this like The Bachelor? Because if Donna's the bachelor, then... who's giving out the roses?

Kelly:You took me to some diner.

Ryan:It's not just a diner, Kelly. It's a nostalgic throwback to mid-century American dining culture. The aesthetic alone is a commentary on post-war consumerism and the democratization of fine dining.

Kelly:It's a diner, Ryan.

Michael:I love you.

Oscar:You've been dating for like three weeks. That's lesbian relationship pace.

Kelly:If your man is texting other girls late at night, that's a red flag. If he's suddenly going to the gym, that's a red flag. If he buys new cologne, red flag. If he mentions an ex, red flag. If he looks at another woman for more than three seconds, red flag.

Michael:So... Pam does all of those things.

Pam:The copier is running amok.

Michael:What does that mean?

Pam:It means out of control, like it's just going wild.

Michael:Well, your imagination is running amok. Actually, your imagination isn't even running. It's more like... walking. Slowly.

Michael:I'm not insane, I just have a very active imagination. I can go anywhere, be anyone, do anything.

Michael:Sometimes I'm a secret agent. Sometimes I'm a astronaut. Sometimes I'm both.

Jim:Michael, that's just called having an imagination.

Michael:No, Jim. You don't understand. I actually live in a fantasy world. I'm barely here right now.

Jim:You just completely changed your mind.

Michael:No I didn't.

Jim:Yes, you did. Like thirty seconds ago you said the opposite.

Michael:Well, I have new information.

Jim:What new information? Nothing happened.

Michael:I thought about it more. And thinking is information.

Dwight:My rates are $500 a day, plus expenses.

Michael:That's a little steep. How about $250 a day?

Dwight:Michael, that's half my rate.

Michael:I know, but money's no object when it comes to solving crimes.

Dwight:And you're not going to like my methods.

Jim:Stanley, there was a fire in the printer room. We need to evacuate immediately.

Stanley:A fire? That's nothing compared to the time they took away my hot dogs in the break room.

Darryl:Andy Bernard. That name still gets to me. You know why? Because he owes me money from a bet we made years ago. I've been waiting. Plotting. Every single day I come to work, I think about how I'm gonna get him back. And one day... one day the opportunity's gonna present itself. And when it does, I'm gonna be ready. I'm gonna walk up to him real slow, and I'm gonna say, 'Andy, remember me? Remember that fifty bucks?' And the look on his face is gonna be beautiful.

Dwight:As Assistant Regional Manager, it is my duty to investigate any suspicious activity in this office with the utmost logic and precision.

Dwight:I have narrowed down the suspects to everyone. Therefore, I will interrogate them all using my fool-proof method: lie detector tests administered by me using this potato and a car battery.

Dwight:False. You're lying. I can tell by the way you're breathing oxygen.

Jim:Why are you eating ice cream at 9 AM?

Michael:It's not ice cream.

Jim:What is it then?

Michael:It's a mayonnaise and olive loaf sandwich that I've been keeping in the freezer.

Michael:Look, it's comfort food, okay? My mother used to make this for me.

Michael:It's... it's delicious. I love it.

Michael:Why are you all looking at me like that?

Michael:Things are starting to spiral out of amok.

Michael:My great loves have been: my mother, my work, and my ability to connect with people.

Pam:Your mother?

Michael:Yes, she was a great love of my life.

Dwight:What's a good two-person exercise?

Dwight:Tractor pulling.

Dwight:I am like a hunter. Once I set my sights on something, I will pursue it relentlessly. I don't give up. I don't get tired. I am a machine.

Dwight:Some might call it harassment. I call it persistence. And that is what separates the winners from the losers.

Dwight:You know, it's funny. My grandfather died on a treadmill. He was 103.

Gym Member:That's terrible.

Dwight:Not really. He was a very active man.

Michael:Dwight, these expense receipts don't make any sense. You're claiming egg whites as a business expense?

Dwight:That's right. I need to maintain peak physical condition to be an effective regional manager. Egg whites are a legitimate business expense.

Michael:You're not the regional manager, Dwight.

Dwight:Not yet. But when I am, I'll already be in peak condition. It's preventative maintenance.

Michael:That's not how expenses work.

Dwight:You're thinking about this all wrong. Every egg white I consume is an egg white that my competitors aren't consuming. It's basic business strategy.

Dwight:I've completed my investigation. Michael has been using the company gym membership for personal use. I'm recommending we bill him for it.

Michael:Wait, what? Dwight, that's my gym membership!

Dwight:Exactly. $50 a month, retroactive six months. That's $300.

Michael:I'm insecure about Donna because she's successful, she's confident, she's beautiful. And I'm... I'm me. So I need to find a place where I can be the big man on campus. And that place is the adult arcade.

Michael:I would be so excited I'd probably jizz in my pants.

Andy:My investigation approach? I like to think of it as jazz. You know, just improvise, see where it takes you, no real plan.

Andy:So Gabe's finally getting rid of me. Well, I guess that's what I get for not being a suck-up.

Andy:I mean, I've always known I was expendable. We all are, really.

Pam:Where did you get those earrings? They're so cute.

Donna:Oh, I got them at this little boutique called Ear Candy Palace.

Pam:I've never heard of that store.

Donna:Yeah, it's pretty obscure. They also have a sister store called Lobe Lounge Extravaganza.

Pam:That's... a lot of words.

Donna:And if you're lucky, you can catch their pop-up at the Dangly Things Emporium of Wonder.

Pam:I don't think any of those places are real.

Donna:Well, they are now, in your heart.

Creed:I've done a lot worse things than that for a lot less money.

Jim:Look at these photos of the baby.

Michael:Oh my God, he's so cute! Hey little guy, who's a precious little dumpling? You are! Yes you are! You're gonna grow up to be strong and handsome like your daddy, Jim. Or maybe you'll be successful like me. Either way, you're gonna make six figures and drive a sensible sedan.

Michael:Pam, I know what this is about. You want to talk about your marital problems.

Pam:Yes, Michael. That's exactly what I want to do. I want to discuss my sex life with my boss in the middle of the office.

Michael:I mean, look at this guy. He's... he's not even that bad. I'd say he's like a 6 out of 10 in terms of people I hate.

Michael:Which puts him just above Toby. Toby's a solid 10.

Gabe:Jim, I'm going to give you a gift card.

Jim:Oh, wow, thank you.

Gabe:It's a $5 gift card to Applebee's. It's only redeemable on a Tuesday.

Michael:We could go see a concert. I'll pay for everything.

Michael:We'll go see... I don't know, The Police reunion tour or something.

Michael:And then afterwards, they bill it as 'An evening with the woman from Scranton.'

Andy:We did it! The printer fire prank was a complete success!

Darryl:Whoa, whoa, whoa. A fire? An actual fire? That's not a prank, that's a crime. That's arson!

Andy:Come on, it was just a small fire. Nobody got hurt.

Darryl:Just a small fire?! There is no such thing as a small fire in a workplace! What's next, are we gonna poison the water cooler? Fake a lockdown? I can't be part of this. I have a daughter!

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. You're married? So I'm the... I'm the other man?

Michael:I've never been the other man before. I don't like it. I don't like how it feels.