"The Office" The Chump

The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap.

you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing

And the third time, I did it out of spite.

You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth?

And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.

Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted.

What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room?

How about make-believe land has anything you want?

You line them all up, you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat at the same time.

Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden.

It worked!

Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla. Why do they do this?

After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours.

You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late.

And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever.

Michael, nice tie or something.

Cake It To The Limit, that's my favorite.

Alleged contract.

I will do legal jujitsu on you.

See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it.

I'd like to see a stool sample.

It happened to Tom Hanks in Big.

Exactly. It happened in Big.

Billy Joel Rock Band. That exists?

Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.

I ask everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'

And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.

On her diet.

He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dog fighting, drugs, they spit.

Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.

My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold.

You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. I am Beyoncé always.

I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs and a heart capable of feeling pain...

You were supposed to be the lookout. Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag.

I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic.

I actually designed that chart. Kind of hoping it catches on.

Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, a la Benjamin Button.

...unless we're unplugged... and wake up in the future.

I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it.

I bet it's like, 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? High five, Donna.'

That was a euphemism.

Better than most horses.

Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, and those names are Amber, Milky Way, Dianne and Lumpy.

Do you understand how rare that is in nature?

No, no, but we're gay for baseball.

I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, 'I'm sleeping with your wife.'

You know who does that? James freaking Bond.

Well, then, it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane.

I'm awful, aren't I? Yeah, that's pretty... I'm an awful guy. Ooh!

That is a dangerous game, friend-o.

I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming.

You know what? I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. What about Kelly? You read my mind.

Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man.

He don't give an F about nothing.

Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home.

Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. Like me and like Donna.

I could have stopped him.

Stop kissing me. It's not in the contract.

And it was either living with myself or being happy. And I picked the former.

I vow to never listen to my bodily instincts ever again.

I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. Oh! Okay, I was talking about...