Whistleblower

Packer:Hey, I just saw you on the news. You looked great. I would've done you right there on camera.

Michael:Hello?

Packer:Hey Michael, it's me.

Michael:Who is this?

Packer:It's Packer, man.

Michael:Oh my God, I thought you were a woman on the phone. Your voice is so high and feminine.

Michael:I want my clip to be the most watched on that news site.

Michael:I'm going up against a teacher who was wrongly accused of something inappropriate with a student. How is that fair? She's got sympathy!

Michael:I need this website up and running. I want it hard, I want it fast, I want it deep...

Michael:That's what she said. No, wait...

Michael:Cute baby otter? I don't have time for that. I'm too busy being the World's Best Boss.

Michael:A baby otter? That's not interesting.

Michael:Oh my God, look at it. Look at how it's moving through the water. So graceful. And now it's turning. It's turning again. Why is it turning so much? Is it looking for food? I think it's looking for food.

Michael:I know exactly what happened here. I've got this completely figured out.

Jo:Oh teddy bear, you have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

Michael:No. No, I don't. You're right. I was wrong about all of it.

Jo:Whoever talked to the press, raise your hand.

Dwight:If I find out who did this, I will decapitate you with a chainsaw and drink your blood from a boot.

Dwight:I would never be a whistleblower. My family has a proud history of not reporting things.

Dwight:My great-grandfather was at Kitty Hawk. He saw the Wright brothers fly, and you know what he did? He didn't report it. He just went home and milked his cows.

Dwight:There's actually a song about it. *clears throat* 'I ain't gonna report you, no I ain't gonna report you, 'cause my family don't report nobody, we just mind our business and milk our cows.' That's a Woody Guthrie song.

Jo:My mother was a prison guard. She had this interrogation technique where she would just stare at you. Didn't say anything, just stare. It was very effective.

Jo:One time, an inmate broke out. She caught him by checking anuses.

Jo:What are we going to do about this whistleblower?

Michael:Well, I say we send them to Sandals Jamaica. It's a beautiful resort. Great food, great drinks, topless beaches.

Jo:Michael, that's not a detention center.

Michael:Oh. Well then, scratch that. How about Guantanamo?

Andy:Big Brother is watching our computer searches.

Dwight:Are you affiliated with Big Brother?

Dwight:I searched your computer.

Kevin:You can't just search my computer! And I was just running... I was running a program.

Jo:Dwight, I need you to turn this money into more money.

Dwight:I'll get my alchemy equipment. I've been studying medieval transmutation texts for years.

Jim:Jo, I swear on my life, I did not leak those documents. I would never do that.

Jim:And if I'm lying, may I be struck down by lightning... unless it rains that day, because obviously I'm not going outside in a thunderstorm.

Darryl:Yeah, I told a reporter about it.

Darryl:I thought maybe she'd write about it, and then... I don't know, maybe she'd fall in love with me or something.

Jo:Jim, I read your novel. Your detective protagonist is an alcoholic who solves crimes by accident while blackout drunk.

Jo:That's not a mystery plot. That's a cry for help disguised as fiction.

Jim:It's a work in progress.

Jo:The progress stopped at 'incoherent.' Your second chapter is literally just the word 'whiskey' repeated 47 times.

Jim:My mind is racing under pressure.

Pam:That's actually very slow.

Jim:So we both know what this is about, right?

Darryl:Yeah, man. We don't even need to say it.

Jim:Exactly. It's this whole thing with Michael and the—

Darryl:Dude. What are you doing?

Jim:What?

Darryl:You just said it out loud.

Kelly:I had to tell someone! It was like I was a morgue and the secret was a dead body just lying there.

Kelly:And then it started to smell, so I had to let it out or I would've exploded like a corpse.

Kelly:Actually, it's more like I was a morgue that was also a—

Jim:Okay, I think we got it.

Ryan:I've been working on this new social media platform called Woof. It's dog-themed. Every post is a bark, you can only communicate in growls, and your profile picture has to be you as a dog.

Ryan:It's going to revolutionize communication. I'm thinking of taking it public next quarter.

Ryan:Okay, so with Woof, you can connect with dog lovers in your area. Watch this.

Erin:Oh my god, I love dogs!

Ryan:I know you do. Now, I'm going to bark, and you bark back.

Ryan:Woof woof.

Erin:Woof woof woof!

Ryan:Woof.

Erin:Woof woof!

Ryan:See? We're connecting. This is the future of social networking.

Ryan:We need one scapegoat.

Ryan:Someone to take the fall for all of us.

Darryl:Why are you looking at me?

Ryan:Well, you know, statistically speaking...

Jo:A basement office? That's where all the villains have their lairs.

Michael:She's taking me away. She's gonna fire me. She's gonna kill me and bury me in the woods.

Dwight:I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. I'll offer him $0.50 per square foot.

Dwight:I have concluded my investigation. The culprit is Stanley Hudson.

Stanley:What? On what evidence?

Dwight:I don't need evidence. I have instinct. And a beet farm.

Dwight:Stanley's been acting strange lately. I've narrowed it down to three possibilities: he's either a vampire, a werewolf, or he's been replaced by an identical-looking impostor.

Dwight:Here's what we do: we blame Andy. It's the perfect trial run. If it works, we know our blaming infrastructure is solid.

Michael:This year has been really rough for me. I mean, my condo association rejected my application to paint my front door periwinkle.

Michael:And then my dentist said I need to floss more. Can you believe that?

Michael:Plus, I've been documenting my entire life in this journal, and honestly, it's just... really boring.

Jo:Michael, those are the problems of a privileged man.

Michael:My Blockbuster stock is really down. I guess you could say my investment is not rewinding well.

Todd Packer:Well, you know, I've always believed in being honest with my employees. That's why I'm telling you right now: I named my bladder control product 'Packer's Pants Protector' and yes, I may have had a few leaks myself.

Nick:Nobody ever remembers my name. I'm always 'the IT guy.'

Jim:Yeah, well, the IT guy needs to fix my computer again.

Michael:We had a guy before, and he was great. He really was. But then he left, and we got this new guy, and... I don't know, something's different. The old guy, he just had a way about him. You know what I mean?

Michael:He was just so... competent. And he looked like he knew what he was doing. You could just tell by looking at him.

Nick:Okay, okay, so I pulled up the browser history on the office computer. Jim searched 'how to do a cartwheel' seventeen times. Pam searched 'is my husband cheating' twice. Michael searched 'am I a good boss' forty-three times in one day.

Nick:Dwight searched 'Chia Pet care tips.' Ryan searched 'how to start a successful company' and then immediately 'how to fake your own death.' And Kevin... Kevin just searched 'bagel recipes' but spelled it wrong every single time.

Jo:You know what my dream was as a child? To become a Barbie doll.

Jo:Not to play with Barbie dolls. To actually become one.

Michael:I said, 'Don't call me honey.' That's a Cher song. From Moonstruck. I'm very cultured.

Dwight:I've invested in 60 acres of prime real estate. It's a sound financial decision.

Jo:Dwight, 60 acres sounds impressive until you realize you're dividing your net worth by zero.

Jo:You'll be on your feet soon.

Dwight:Like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Or a beet rising from the soil.

Andy:I did it for the company. I'm a hero. I put my neck on the line because I care about this place.

Angela:You did it because you're an idiot who wanted attention.

Jo:Michael, I'm here to help brighten your life. What do you want most?

Michael:A shotgun.