The Promotion

No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item. That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture. Epic.

Where's the please? We're not animals.

I have a complaint about Jim. That is not big picture. I would like to file a huge, enormous, massive complaint about the tallest guy in our office.

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

I'd like to lodge a complaint. I'm sorry to hear about that. Who is this about? You.

I'm just going to write, 'Held back tears.' Wait, stop writing that. That is not true. If you stop crying, I'll stop writing it. I'm not...

Oh, man, makes me want to put him in a triangle choke hold and force him down to the ground and just keep pressing and pressing, and then flip him over and then put him in a hammerlock and he's gasping. He's panting for every last breath. And the crowd is going crazy and boom, I emerge victorious! Eighteen thousand dollars and a chance at the title!

Dwight, Jim wants you to keep it down.

Can I also be a boss?

Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that set sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

Jimothy. To be fair, Jimothy... That sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim? I am.

At first, we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets, and I think by the end, we all learned a little bit about how small we are.

You know what eats a large amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep, it's light out, you wake up, it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.

Really? You just agree to that? I can be very surprising.

I need to fit into my wedding dress. However, I'm also pregnant.

You know, it's a myth that women have to gain more than nine pounds in a pregnancy. Look at these actresses. Some of them lose weight.

Why doesn't Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?

My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes. I know I shouldn't tell you, but you'll still be surprised when you see it. You're not registered for a birdhouse, are you? No, we're not. Good. Good.

If you don't smell this, you're fired.

Oh, hey, everybody, I think that Jim has gone insane because he thinks that my office is a conference room.

Anything that Jim has to say to me, he can say in front of these types of people.

I love rivalries. Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C., it's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it, and answering your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend and her skin is terrible.

It is one thing me giving you the co-manager title, it is another thing you bossing me around.

This is Michael, senior co-manager.

Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you texting me?

Okay, you didn't let me say goodbye.

When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore. Right. All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

Hey, why haven't we ever... We have.

Do you mean, like, break in, in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll? No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

You use your brain too much. I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less? Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all. You just came up with that. As I was saying it. Yeah.

Con, you look like a nerd. Pro, you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds. Con, you unzip your pants and you'll find that there's a calculator down there.

I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others. And this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger so that you could see it.

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash. Like money? Like, you want my money? Mmm-hmm.

In the memo line, I'm going to write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. Oh, look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing.

Oh, my God, are you going to make another pro and con list? I'm going to kill myself.

I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. 'If I could just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect. And then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue. And then another avenue...' And then another.

I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well. Ha! That, I am not known for that.

Okay. Here's a tough decision for you, you suck. You suck. Is that clear enough for you?

Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? You call it.

This had better be terrible.

But I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?

Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

How is that going to repair Ryan's car?

My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes? Yeah.

They all have heart-ons for you.

My plan, a man, Panama. That's not how that goes.

All right, everyone wants a raise, so what we're going to do is go into here and we will not come out until we do.

Ryan is obviously the best. Obviously. Too bad he's a temp and doesn't count, so let's get started.

Each Boston baked bean represents half-a-percent raise. We each got 24 beans, so the idea is, you place the bean on the picture of who you think deserves...

Who's that? Toby. Okay, he's not a part of this, you know that. Just wanted to draw a picture of him.

I will skip a turn. Okay, you're going to still have to play that bean, you know that. I need more time.

If the people here were our Founding Fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed 10 years because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration, and Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.

Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?

Not according to the beans.

Is he as matronly as Phyllis?

Let us storm his castle. Come on, tick, let's get him, tock. Let's get Jim. Tick, and drag Jim out of his office, tock, take his keys away from him, tick, that's a clock.

No, I mean, what do you say to my plan?

What does a bean mean?

I used to have to do this part alone. And it was the worst.

What's in here? Gin.

Question for you, would you guys rather have $100 now or $5,000 a year from now? $100 now, for sure. Because you just give me $50 to cover the broker fee, I put in $100 of my own money, as the gift.

How sure is this? The guy has an algorithm to determine the winner of any given college basketball game.