Niagara

Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed.

It's amazing, a three-ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so badass.

Oh, gee. I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant.

All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars. And I am not stopping for anybody.

Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And, frankly, so does talking about it. So, wow.

Well, what do you think? I spent all morning doing it. It is really special. Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... No. It's great.

Believe it or not, Kevin, firecrackers are in the 'Don't' column.

Well, you're lucky to have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmother.

What happens in Niagara stays in Niagara.

Don't, don't, don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke. No, I didn't steal your joke. Yes, I said that yesterday.

So I will see you up there in Viagra Falls.

Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pickup destination in the history of the universe.

For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster. There's a name. Two years ago, she was selling a mountain bike.

Is that all you have on her? Well, if this is in fact her, because it's a very common name. Okay, you're an idiot.

I thought, 'How can I take it to the next level?' The hair. It's the hair.

We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.

Not only is Erin really sweet and cute, she smells like my mom.

Click. You blinked. Damn it, now that's in my brain forever. Lousy picture! We should have hired a professional to take the mental pictures.

Hello. My name is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this, you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced.

Hey, I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed.

I'm afraid we're all sold out. Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number, Romeo-Tango-G-seven-seven-four-five.

If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in the bathroom and she sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay, okay?

When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

A queen-sized bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael. I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying, be careful.

She's the only 80-year-old with no smile wrinkles.

I wasn't sure about your branch of the family after I heard about your parents' divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect.

Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

The bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt. Ew! That's right. It is ew. It's very ew.

She thought I was your boyfriend. You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?

In 1996, her 10th grade volleyball team went ten and two. What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight? That's a very good record.

Hey, what is the deal with the Smart car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny.

The real smart car is KITT, from Knight Rider. That's a car that can talk. Can Smart car talk? Nope. That's not smart.

Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint.

Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times.

I've been driving stick since high school.

What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink? Pam can't drink?

She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic.

Hey, what I think Jim is trying to say is that they had an accident.

And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time, because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.

The hotel's television set had a movie on called Brüno last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So, I had to just sit there while it happened to me.

Oh! You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.

In fact, for the longest time my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet, and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

And I know, in your day, she would be considered a whore. But now, women go out and they have sex, and they get wild, and they take their tops off.

They're going to name the baby after you, you know. They're going to call it Meemaw. You mean Sylvia. Yes. And if it's a boy they will call it Silvio.

No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw-down. If I was a girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don't tell them that I said that because I want them there.

Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight. No, they're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of howling during sex.

Yeah, but that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful Chicano hair. So nice.

Nine and three-quarters. I invented a device called 'burger on the go.' It allows you to obtain six regular-sized hamburgers or twelve sliders from a horse without killing the animal.

Sears said no.

I bawl the entire time. I cannot watch Pixar.

I found twins. Oh, my God. Twins. Aren't they magnificent? They're men, Dwight.

Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbins? Because I feel like a banana split.

I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. I tore my scrotum.

That's Michael. You're out with Michael? And Dwight. Hey-oh!

She'll be sitting at home saying, 'Jim, take the baby to the zoo, because I want to sit at home and eat bonbons and clip my toenails.'

Now you sound like Kermit.

Well, every little bump in the road is major pain on my scrotum.

I spent the night with the bride, the night before the wedding. Oh, yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.

Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone. They were stolen? No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe-shine, the smell overcame him.

Incinerated, actually.

Too busy knocking boots.

She made love like a tiger.

Look, she's a dental hygienist from Carbondale, and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.

That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it.

Make it softer.

And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Everybody see Kristy's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom.

Mom, you're totally projecting and being a drag.

There. Now we're even.

I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.

Apricot. Made of real apes.

Those two treat the whole office like a 1970s key party.

Thinking about having my sperm frozen.

I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number.

My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece. But, man, my dogs are barking.