Koi Pond

Oh, why, is there a place closer that sells them?

You owe me one. You all owe me one.

No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually, I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers, because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs.

Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. You're thinking of deer penis.

Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor, which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore?

Jeez... When did everyone get so cynical?

Oh, that's right, you're a woman, and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please, Pam, reconsider and have a bagel.

Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know, I really hoped this thing would just die out. But today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom, and we have to go. No way out.

I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti photography lets me capture all that.

There's no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your, 'gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother,' and fixes all occurrences of, 'I don't really see them together.' So open wide, Pam, and take a big ol' spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.

Yeah, the rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriosity. Because of sex? Kevin! Hey, please, Kevin... You're fired. Sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots.

Pam fakes a shipping emergency to avoid lunch, Jim helps cover, and they share a knowing look

Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse. I didn't even blow it.

So a little elbow grease, and she's polished right up, back to her former glory. Feel it against your cheek.

You give me a gift--Thank you note. You invite me somewhere--RSVP. You do me a favor--Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.

Here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking, you can really take the pressure off your knees. Is that right? Observe. Right? That really works.

Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus.

Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game.

Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too.

All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one?

The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you. And I am not robbing the cradle. If anything, I am robbing the grave.

Michael looks uncomfortable when asked about grandma names, long pause

Nothing. Just life and... Doing things... Before you die. I don't know. Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I-- I would like to if I wanted to.

Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos.

It's not amazing at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows.

Well, that's because you and I have very different taste. And you like lame things. It's a generational sort of gap between us.

Home run, Michael. You set the bar so high. That was a bunt.

Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene, and she is great. And she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do, and can tell me about it. But I think I want to do those things myself.

I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you, and I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.

There's another woman, and her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping.

And you, unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there. It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about... fertility.

What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost.

Damn it! I am no closer to taking Jim down. Ugh, what a waste of the day. I could have grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now! They're mushrooms. They don't get that high.

You're bribing me. No, no. No, I am not. Unless you want me to. You want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No... your face is saying don't.

Oh, come on, what do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? You want me to get down on one knee and beg you? I want to hit you. What? I don't-- are you kidding? No. Are you kidding? Ye--no.

Are you scared? Never. About what? A little. What are you talking about? Heard about the punch. What punch? Pam. She's gonna punch the crap out of your face after work.

And Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen.

But at the same time, she goes crazy. And I do understand her reasoning. I know. I just need some time. Give me some time to think about it. You gotta do something. Give me some time to make a decision. How much time do you need? No more than a week. Maybe two.

And... The--the power comes from the back foot. So it's all one motion through the body. So there's-- you stay a little low. There's a twist. You keep your shoulder down. You kind of throw the arm.

Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Every day, weirdos pay dominatrices hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it.

You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn? Has almost no calories.

Okay, just... Don't ever date a member of my family again. Okay. No problem. For the record, your mom came on to me.

Holy crap!

As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what. I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. And I am happy, I'm rich, and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

Fire Jim. No. I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him! What are you talk... Do it! Promote me. Tri-managers? Forget that. Can I have an office? No. You know what? You can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it!