The Seminar

We're often compared to the Guardian Angels, but we could not be more different from them. Seriously, we are nothing like the Guardian Angels. I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure. Think Guardian Angels.

One of our many recent good deeds, we set out to capture the Scranton Strangler. Mission accomplished. Not by us.

No, no, no, no, no. I see how this movie ends. You make fun of me, everyone laughs. (SARCASTICALLY) Ha, ha, ha. Screw you.

Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.

Oh, come on. That sounds awesome. It was pretty cool. Was it? It was fun. It was... It was pretty awesome.

Holly Partridge Flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise otherwise known as a living, breathing angel

If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness. Either way, I am going to need some talking down.

Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly is engaged to somebody else and you want to kill yourself. That may seem like a good idea, but it's not. (LAUGHING) Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said, 'It's snot.' I'm so sorry.

Wow, did your baby draw that?

The glitter is blinding.

And you know her husband's in a wheelchair, right?

Bears sad, worms happy. Come on, Erin.

Sad. Something to break.

I hope she doesn't call us up on stage, that would suck. 'Hey, you think you could do my job better?' 'I don't know.' 'What's your name?' 'Michael.'

And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.

His name is New Year's Resolution Board. (STAGGERING) Shut up. Hello.

Put her there. Give me a good firm one. Ooh, that's a good, firm handshake. You're hired. Yes, well let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Okay. Yes, yes, right away.

Hey, hey, hey. Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.

Hey, right back at you, bitch.

What? Shut that off. I'm not listening to the music.

Michael dance-off!

I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.

Learn to cook for one.

No, some people just don't meet someone. I'm fine with it. Really. This is not a pity party. It's not a party at all. It's just sad.

I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote 'The senator.'

My resolution is 'Meet a loose woman.'

'Hey, what book is that?' 'Cool, let's hang out tonight.' 'Sex already? Whoa.'

(IMITATING E.T.) E.T. phone Holly. Holly like phone? (IMITATING E.T.) Holly misses old phone.

Please stop.

Do you think she's already dating a different A.J.?

When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? No. But you did still love him. I'm not gonna have... Do you love him now? No!

'Oh, hi, friend.' (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines hold, like, 10 books at once. Actually, it's 10,000. Holy (BLEEP). What?

So light. Like a croissant.

Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing?

A book about oceans. Oh, really? What else? Let me see. That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

I went to Portugal. I went to Portugal. Oh, wow. You went together? No. No.

I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present?

The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

Chicks fall down, need help getting back up. Roller derby practice. (GROWLING JOYFULLY)

Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day. And I must say that it is going immensely.

Intercepted. Hey... Gabe. Oops-e-doops.

I want to do a cartwheel. But real casual, like. Not make a big deal out of it. But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.

12:01, January 1st. Bam! Blood everywhere.

And you know what's gonna be on your tombstone? 'Loser.'

My tombstone's already made, thank you.

This is a new food for me. How else should I eat it?

Can I get some Cheez Whiz? Or Hollandaise?

Come on, here comes the airplane. There you go. Open, open, into the hangar, there you go.

You need to get your own life.

I don't think I'm there yet, boss.

How's your fart project coming?

I could be pregnant.

Oh, my resolution was to get more attention. Nope, she's lying.

I did it. I did a cartwheel. (BLEEP) you! (BLEEP) you!

His name is Andy. And he roller skates like a Greek God. And you know what? I kind of like hanging out with him.

My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again. Unless it's from laughing too hard. Or making love too beautifully.

You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine. Just fine, just fine, just fine.

I did it! You did? A perfect cartwheel. (LAUGHING) Okay, good! What a rush! That's all I had to do all year.