Goodbye, Michael

Surprise! Congratulations! You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards.

Have you lost your mind? Get off my property before I call the police.

Hey, Toby, you suck!

This reminds me of Katrina.

I'm so busted. Walk of shame.

No, no, no, you've got to stay. I have Vienna sausages and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

I'm not going in there.

Maybe volunteer at the women's shelter, go to bed. Or, I don't know, maybe I'm going to the Dundies!

When Larry King died, they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in and do his show, and that way, Larry lives on.

I love when people say 'like crack' who've obviously never done crack.

The breadsticks are like scrapbooking.

No, I'm a middle-class fraud.

Always the Padawan, never the Jedi.

Unless you count singing in the shower.

I love banter. But I hate witty banter.

You lost 200 pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.

There needs to be what you call a 'rat-tat-tat.' And right now, it's all 'rat' and no 'tat.'

Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.

Where were you on September 11th?

If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them. Too personal. I don't want to hear about that stuff.

The Dundies are all about coming together, and recognizing the indomitability of the human spirit!

I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me. I just want regular fries.

I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time.

I really don't like spending time with him.

I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me.

I can't just dump him, Pam. I'm not like you. I can't be mean.

Billy Crystal? Better. Neil Patrick Harris? He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway.

My boyfriend can. He's a state senator. Oh, no, he can't help because that title has no meaning.

Oh, I totally don't know where Michael is, dude. Hey, you want to listen to some records?

I've fallen and I can't get up.

I'm here. In a good way. I've been here the whole time. The analytical part of me wants to examine it. But I know it has no content.

You're doing it for all those kids out there eating off the Louie Volpe's kids menu who are wondering, 'Does it get better?'

We were at the DMV waiting in line.

Fall asleep right after sex. Huh, guys?

Cece, if you're watching this at home, it's way past your bedtime. By the way, how'd this get televised?

Didn't think to mention me, huh?

This person, well, I guess we all sort of consider a mom around the office, Meredith Palmer!

I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be a good mom tonight.

Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award because year after year, I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the Office goes to Danny Cordray!

How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Um, I'm very relieved. How do you judge something like... What is his criteria, even? It's so subjective.

The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! Come on up here, you sick bastard.

I have diabetes, too. You don't see me making a big deal about it.

I want to dedicate this award to something that, uh, we take for granted in our daily lives, and that is the humble trash can. This is for you, trash can.

Pippi Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley. What do they all have in common? Redheads.

This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. People were right about the Dundies, they are magical.

Gabe... We should break up. I'm not attracted to you. I just... I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, Pam?

Here comes that quarter-life crisis everyone's talking about.

I was in the bathroom, vomiting and vomiting in that men's room. That's why it has been shut down for most of the evening.

I was hoping it would be more like Godfather III, that wrapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way, but instead, it is like Godfather I, that was very confusing, had maybe three big laughs.

Gladly. I'd accept that award, because a bitch is a female dog.

9,986,000 minutes / We actually sat down and did the math / 9,986,000 minutes / That's how many minutes that you've worked here

That's like watching Die Hard 80,000 times

You hit me with your car / You helped me get off drugs / I watch you when you sleep / I forgive you for kissing me

Well, this is going to hurt like a mother.

I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case that I was recently a juror on, the Scranton Strangler. A man's being put to death, I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty anymore.