Andys Play

Did you write this? - No. - Who did? - Stephen sondheim. - Who is he?

What the hell is happening?

a wee bit of viral marketing, gov'nor!

I auditioned for this! When did the cast list go up? Like a month ago. Really? They didn't call me!

Who am I playing?

Andy? [silence]

Two comps for m'lady and her Gabe.

Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy.

What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully ill informed, all right?

Last time I went to the theater, A man dressed as a cat sat on my lap.

They had to bring in a ringer. This guy's, like, world class.

You're that friend. I'm going to see your play.

Noishe! And scene.

Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her.

Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate?

My parents used to scramble to find babysitters So they could take my little brother to do stuff.

Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about.

Neiche!

I did, because I am being the bigger man, And balloons are bigger than flowers.

Are you the guy that did an entire law & order episode For his audition?

I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The 13-year-olds in this town Have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters' club.

Hey, I think this guy playing sweeney Todd is my plumber.

This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber.

Apparently, the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition.

If we don't listen to the overture, We won't recognize the musical themes When they come back later.

Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats.

I work with that guy.

There's gum on the seat, And now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change. Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss.

His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman.

Michael! Shelby Thomas weems, the director. I promise you That if you keep auditioning With a similar gusto... We are going to find a production With a role for Michael Scott.

Why are you dressed like a seed catalog model? These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car.

No, no, don't put cece on the phone, Because she can't talk yet.

Just checking my emails. See if I got any last-minute 'break a legs' Or 'I still love you' type texts.

Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production Of sweeney Todd, The real terror comes from the vocal performances.

There's a little bird uttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping.

Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket This whole time. He's gone to sleep now. I closed his beak.

I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, sweeney Todd! See? It all connects.

Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, Because of all the razors That you have laying around.

Sounds like cece.

I just didn't think you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and then get some ice cream And then go home.

Babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way.

Well, we're never leaving the house again. Not together.

That was more horrifying than nunsense. All that singing got in the way Of some perfectly good murders.

Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots.

How's the toilet? Silent.

This plumber has pipes.

You didn't have to boo him. Well, he was getting a lot of applause, And I just didn't think it was indicative Of how people were really feeling.

Boo! I appreciate the feedback.

Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me! Ah, blood everywhere.

Contractually, we're obligated to have sex. Well, I won't tell if you don't. I will tell. I will tell the mediator.

That's broth, Gabe.

I'll see you soup. [giggles]

I think we have, like, a gift bottle of irish cream. Yeah? We could put that in orange juice. Get it. Yeah? Let's get our juice on.

I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed.

But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse.

I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity.

In the criminal justice system, The people are represented by two separate But equally important groups, The police who investigate the crimes