After Hours

Oscar thinks having a dog is just like having a baby. News flash, if you didn't carry it around in your belly for nine months, it isn't your kid.

Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course. That is where we disagree.

Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet? No, three-month-old humans don't do that.

My Philip is crawling. - Angela is such a liar. - It's maddening.

Exactly. That's just like crate training.

Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam-Jim DNA. - Thank you, no. - No, thank you.

There's nothing harder than taking care of a boat. Am I right? Angela and Pam: Unbelievable! Un-be-lie-va-ble.

It is the end of the day. It is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow.

Right now, you're like, 'oh, what's more important? Dwight's question, figure out who's the VP? Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP.' Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP...

I can't be hypnotized, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more.

Like stacking and sorting, or-- Catching butterflies. That's a hobby unless it's for food.

- Theater. - Waste of time. - Dragging. - That's just a verb. Dragging sticks.

English peoples' main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You're crap. You're wonderful. They're-- they're mean, but they're incisive.

I'm not allowed to say it's mandatory, so let's just call it 'compulsory.'

Maybe we'll see the real 'Talla-nasty' we've been hearing so much about. - 'Talla-nasty,' very clever. - Thank you. Wait, wait, you think she invented 'Talla-nasty'?

I thought I was gonna be hanging out with Stanley on this trip, but he's turned out to be kind of a loose cannon.

Yes, the conference room is set up. I've got pens, I've got paper, I've got a whiteboard. - We are good to go! - Say what? We are good to go! - Say what? - We're good to go! - Stop it. Stop it. - Stop. - Say-- - Andy.

Ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor.

Genghis Khan could take 'em both down 'cause he's not afraid to kill children. What? It's true. He-- He would-- He would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages.

Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king, whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback. What happens if you're the hunchback? - Oh, you get kicked.

40. Always. - Can I see? - Sure. So I get to kick you now. No, they're not transferable just 'cause I handed 'em to you. Well, that's how I played it in college. - College rules. [Kicks] - Aah!

And he lost at his own lame game. Ooh, double meaning. The game was lame, and now he's lame from the kick. Quick wit.

I'll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please. And I will have a waffle with your mapliest syrup.

I'm young, and I can. And if I can't, I'm still pretty young. I guess I'll always be young.

Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some sort of last-ditch, nothing-to-lose, Kelly ka-who run at her?

- Paid. - I'm dying! - Processed. - And delivered.

Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [Clicks tongue, whinnies]

Well, saddles... [Clicks tongue, whinnies] Sometimes fall off, especially if you don't properly cinch the girth.

I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves... [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, man.

If I wanted Jamaican food, I'd just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.

Don't play dumb with me. I know what's up. Honey, I am not sleeping with-- Hey! Hey... Let's get back to the food. Brandon tell us about these delicious-looking goops.

- Blow in my ear. - All right. Like I'm on the beach. - [Blows] - Oh. [Imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [Cawing] And-- and a wave crashing.

Is this March Madness? I love March Madness. Oh, no, that's not this 'cause that's in March.

- Lebron James. - Yes, nice. Good word association. [Giggles]

Impressive. Oh, please, anyone can tie a knot. The real skill is in untying it. Mm...

Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery--

Something interesting is happening here for once in my life. I am staying here.

Careful, Jim. It gets easier and easier. - No, no, no, Stanley. - Mm-hmm. - Stanley. - Uh-huh. Stanley. All right, hey. You know what? Just bring back those bottles!

Yeah, they keep them on 'cause it's less expensive than turning them on and off. I like how guys just know stuff all the time.

[Whispers] Get down. It's the fuzz. Shh! Do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

Okay, 'cause three dots means 'to be continued,' four dots is a typo, but five dots means, 'whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind.' Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

You look like Ed Harris. If they stretched him a little bit.

Our biggest attraction is our 200-year-old mattresses.

Describe its mood. Did it seem sleepy? Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation.

So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this. - Pssh. That's a bedbug. - Yeah. - Everything's a joke. - I know.

When I jump into the bed, you are gonna cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we'll see who's laughing.

Oh, it's plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect.

Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first. Is that really how you want to get this job? Such a chorus girl.

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present.

[Giggles] Wait, this is why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously.

Oh, my God! What are you thinking? Um... I mean-- I know that you're married. I sat at your wife's desk. How little do you think of me?

My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool. My husband would tell you to go for it.

We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you're a guy, I'm a girl-- Yeah? - We could be roommates. - Really? - Maybe in six months-- Six months?

Um, okay, I'm in love with Kelly.

Seven, one, one, nine... No, no, no. Not numbers, no. Try again. Ugh, I'm still getting numbers. Seven, one, one-- Is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven, one, one?

Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again.

I got Romy And Michele's High School Reunion.

Hey, just so you know, me and you-- I don't think that's ridiculous. Dot, dot, dot... Dot, dot.

Stand back! Aah! Stop it, oh, my God! That burns! What is that? It's a compound of chemicals I pulled off of the maid's cart.

You can't stay here. This place is a biohazard. If I were you, I'd just bunk with Cathy.

Look, the light went off. Just as I said the light went on.