Suit Warehouse

Jim and Dwight Schrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. Whoo-hoo!

And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong.

I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, 'cause it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky, Paper Brothers for Hire.

Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.

Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings?

You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.

A hundred and eighty. Um, that comes to 25 minutes. Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you.

Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here.

I haven't been trained for this.

It was like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar, like you might think. It was like a swarm of bees.

Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.

Like my mom used to say, 'Talk classy. Act nasty.'

What? Is it on backwards?

Always with the friends, Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine?

Actually, it's pronounced espresso. Wait, that's what you said. I apologize. I just assumed you would mispronounce it, so...

If it will lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.

I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens.

Really! You can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair.

He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my dad.

I mean, he's like a serial killer of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off. It was sick. It was his birthday. Just turned three.

Yeah, we're aware of what it means, Oscar. You just do not look cool saying it.

Man, the last time I talked months was, like, a million weeks ago.

Jim, you've got a real Facebook energy going on here, man. You Zuckerberg'ed this place out.

Well, things between me and Clark are good, not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good, really. They're bad. Like you and your son.

I sure was, just like he taught me. Looking cool.

If this company is going down, I want to go down on it. With it, I want to go down with it.

I don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones, busybody, lazybones. Ah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now. It's insane!

One! Two! Three! Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Stop it!

Oh, his last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship. Thumbs like a lowland gorilla.

Like the time that you got drunk and killed those kids on their way to prom. That never happened. He's always been a liar.

Ever since he was a little kid, and he got caught saving 'treats' from the kitty litter box. Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going, 'Please, kitty, may I have some more?'

He's got cat turd collector written all over him.

Mandate. Always think of two men on a date.

I have gay friends. One gay friend. Oscar.

Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked.

When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear.

Pam! Pam! Look out! Erin's gunning for your job!

Well, that's funny, 'cause I think of him as working part-time in Philadelphia.

I think it would be like... You know what? I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot, perfecto.

They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop.

It's like, if I put a glass of milk on the edge of a table, and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. So, I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario?

Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York, or Paris, or London. Who needs it? Not us.

Yes! I love Philly! 215 or die! Come on, man!

It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really, really hot in here. It's insane! They need to turn the AC on year-round. January too!

I don't get the point of this stupid window!

That's why his face always breaks out. Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher?

Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life at Riker's Island.

That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Cartograph much?

Everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to?

It's beautiful! Hardwood! I always knew it was down here. I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.

Killed their fish, and they still hired me! That's how you do that, baby!

Well, I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.

I saw the leaves twitch.

And you closed it. The boys are back in town!

You got me! I used to collect them. Why? Each one is very different, like a snowflake.

You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened!