Junior Salesman

It was my first slipup in nine years of miking you.

When are you gonna boom me?

Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride.

Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did.

It's like, 'really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.'

I went above and beyond-- and under.

Guy goes fishing with hand grenades.

Trevor-- he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants.

You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal.

I thought this was an office, not the thunderdome.

No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.

You could've just called that an alliance too, right? I chose my words very carefully.

I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen.

Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl. Go to hell.

When you're with the R-O-L-F you're literally rolling on the laughing floor.

Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy.

I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds. No earbuds!

Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me? What are your credentials?

I think I've heard everything I need to hear.

You say, 'jump,' and he says, 'on who?' He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it.

Pass. Next one. No, no, and no.

There were only two options. Checkmate.

This is a bus transfer. Nothing gets by this guy.

I need you to breathe in my face right now.

What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen? I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'wintergreen.'

I can't hire Clark. He looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly.

So I'd Kobayashi Maru it. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.

Star Trek rules. It does, but still no.

They smell so bad. If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right? I tell you all the time.

Walked right into that one.

Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible.

People person.

You know we live together, right? And I've never seen you go to work, ever.

Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's, like a ton of people in there.

I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.

You went to X-Men school too?

I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point.

Our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation levi's. A lot of telemarketing.

We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.

I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong.

I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.

I'd love to invest. No, thanks. I'd like to give you $100 million.

It's dense, like bread.

Your friends are like Spiderman, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.

Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team.

Do you want this paper? I sure do. It's not very good. I will pay you whatever it takes.

Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires.

Troy is literally one of a kind, and he's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin.

I've been double-parked for five hours. No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes. Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard.

Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you.

Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin'. That's what I always say.

I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin. Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal.

This is such bullcrap! So much crap. It's just a load of BC.

Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep.

This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever.

Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe.

Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's.

Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee.

Welcome to the club, pig!

The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love.