Vandalism

ERIN: Yeah, Darryl's here. So's Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday.

Neither guy is here! And it's Friday! Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies!

So now he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw.

Darryl, meet Bear-yl.

How much did you pay for that? Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though.

But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.

I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint, but I don't know, this time I feel like it's, um... It's really coming together. Oh, my God! (EXCLAIMS) You've got to be kidding me! What is... Are those... Are those butts?

Oh, cute! So there'll be a bunch of kids? No, no children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew.

Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping $8 to Lipton For America to have an invitation...

You know, actually, none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about!

But as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs.

Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates.

It's just, he uses old T-shirts as washrags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently they need to 'soak.'

Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this, will you please raise your hand?

I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want?

Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice.

I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it.

Already on it. I ordered them by their Google Trend rankings, so we know who to hit first. Who is this guy? (LAUGHS) We are killing it.

You're telling me David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret, classified conference-room meeting? Yeah. Let's go, everyone! Super-secret, classified conference-room meeting! Now!

They used worse paint than your paint? I don't think so. But they put paint where I didn't want paint. So... I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint.

It's 6-7-8-2, not 8-3! Uh, 6-7-8-3 is also a good time. Less mileage.

I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear.

If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime.

I believe in you, I believe in your art, and I am bored.

I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But they both have a mob mentality. And I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car.

You need my pitchfork? (SIGHS)

If I get the de-icing gig, it's going to be on merit, not because I played politics.

I am handing out pieces of paper on which you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings is no one's business but my own. Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also, sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts.

All right, then, no bottoms. Uh... We should ask you to do big rounded W's. Yes, or nippleless breasts, perhaps.

Or melons, like cantaloupes, with, like, the halves are cut off and then just the bottom parts...

Your mother is dying! See? I feel bad about that. Good. That's all right, that's all right. So she's going to pull through again?

Gum's gotten mintier lately, have you noticed? Like, some of it is just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt your mouth.

There's no gum. There never was any gum! That's really rude.

Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, 'it's only going to get better from here.' Good luck.

How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying?

Oh, man, that's a bummer. I'm sorry about that. No big deal, no big deal. No, if it's a big deal, it's a big deal. No,no,no. No big deal.

I don't know. Are you going to wash it, or you gonna let it soak?

I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours...

The first 'sorry' sounded sincere. There were two or three sorrys in there. So it's a lot.

Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting if unarousing presence around the office, like a well-watered fern. But today, she has tapped into this vengeful, violent side, and I'm like, 'Wow, Pam has kind of a good butt!'

Go all Hammurabi on this clown.

And if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego.

His gardener, Rohelio, or he could have invited... Rohelio, but he chose me. Rohelio's Malaysian. That son of a bitch is Malaysian.

I think you might be going a little crazy with this labeling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that if I needed flour, I couldn't use that? What do you need flour for, Jim? That's not the point. What, you making bread? No, I'm not making bread. What bread you making? Pumpernickel?

What happened to my Tavis Smileys? Oh, crap, were those yours?

But my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys! Silence! You will now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables.

And why would I be asking that? So we know which truck to... Hey, while I got you on the phone, your husband is like a sloppy homeless hobo. Can you fix that?

He put you right in front of me? Yes, he did. He put you right in front of me? Yes! Now, let's just wheel Margaret right in front here. Ow!

And he's leaving a trail of poops? Yeah. And he has saggy boobs. Yeah, I saw that. That's great!

I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. I know. You miss Angela, don't you? (GROANS) Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work! Draw his penis!

Kevin, great to see you. Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck. I beg your pardon? You're, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them.

Oh! Come on! Oh! Oh! Damn! 'You Win!'