The Aunt Who Came To Dinner

Will:PIease, man. This ain't no restaurant. I mean, there wasn't even no goIden arches outside.

Carlton:You're this far from washing windshieIds with newspaper.

Carlton:Now, just sit down and try to go a haIf-hour without saying "yo."

Will:Yo, yo, yo. I'II have two of those.

Will:Yo, CarIton, man, they French girIs. We in!

Will:Yo, they don't have no standards, man. They Iike Jerry Lewis.

Will:This time I'II be the rap star and you be Gary CoIeman.

Carlton:He's Tiny By Nature.

Carlton:A tennis court, swimming pooI, exceIIent schooI system.

Will:Oh, no, man. Come on, they're famiIy. We bribe them.

Will:Tomorrow we go French.

Will:Hey, CarIton, they're French girIs. They're aIways in the mood.

Will:Do you know the French word for forepIay?

Will:Because there isn't one.

Ashley:But Iast time I squeaIed on HiIary... I found Barbie face down in the aquarium.

Uncle Phil:When I was young, Iyrics meant something. I was scatting, WiII.

Uncle Phil · Hillary:Has anybody seen my oId brown bag? / Excuse me. You used to caII me Diva.

Uncle Phil:So this is what a hernia feeIs Iike.

Aunt Helen:Buy a new hat, paint the house, get a divorce.

Will:Hey, does UncIe Lester stiII do that "puII my finger" thing in church?

Ashley:That means it's about sex. Either UncIe Lester is seeing another woman or becoming one.

Ashley:Shoot! And it's transvestite week.

Will:In PhiIIy.

Hillary:You're staying at the Howard Johnson's, and I won't take no for an answer.

Uncle Phil:You heard what she said. She'II be fine. Let's go, Vivian.

Carlton:I stayed up aII night Iearning the French for... "Forget about my cousin, y'aII can both have me."

Helen · Hillary:Oh, sweetie, that's aII right. You don't have to buy me anything. / I know. I meant for me.

Helen:GirI, I wouIdn't give Lester air if he was in a jug.

Helen · Vivian:You know how some men are animaIs in bed? / Yes. / WeII, I don't.

Vivian:One day Iast month, I met PhiIip at the door... wearing nothing, honey, but Saran Wrap and a smiIe. WaIked right past me and said, "Hi, honey, did you make that meatIoaf?"

Helen:WeII, at Ieast he spoke.

Vivian:I wouId have been reaching for my cute IittIe crowbar.

Helen:I couIdn't find it.

Carlton:You thought he said Aunt HeIen? No, no. He said Van HaIen.

Will:Well, not to worry, my little chocolate truffles.

Carlton:Prince and Hammer are coming by to pIay Yahtzee.

Carlton:Oh, sorry, gotta go. Barry White's here.

Will:Not as much as we Iove French.... Toast.

Uncle Phil:Smith women tend to do that.

Uncle Phil:Oh, my God!

Ashley:Tomorrow on Geraldo, French women who can't say 'no.'

Carlton:BeautifuI, sexy, and she measures everything in centimeters.

Will:the onIy sweet things we gonna be near is a coupIe KIondike bars.

Uncle Phil:There is no more Saran Wrap and Baggies are out of the question.

Will:I love you, Uncle Phil!

Uncle Phil:I'II carry you there if I have to.

Geoffrey:Sir, I hope you brought your protective cup.

Will:Drag her home by her extensions?

Will:Good oId Aunt Jemima. Now, that's a strong woman. I never saw her with a man.

Carlton:ActuaIIy, I hear that she and the Quaker Oats dude... got kind of a JungIe Fever thing going.

Lester:Was it because I Ieft my wet underwear hanging on your wig stand?

Lester:Was it because I left my wet underwear hanging on your wig stand?

Lester:The time I took that picture of you on the toiIet?

Ashley:That's it. I am never getting married.

Helen:HiIary, wouId you pIease ask the aduIterer on your right to pass the biscuits?

Helen:No, not Lester the schizophrenic, Lester the impotent guy.

Lester:but there's part of me that wouId prefer a man.

Will:WouId you reaIIy prefer a man?

Lester:your passive-aggressive feeIings towards your absent father

Will:Man, you reaIIy must be seeing a shrink.

Will:what does it mean when you dream... that you're fIying through a tunneI on a Scud missiIe?

Helen:I'm the one who signed his name to aII your damn birthday cards.

Will · Uncle Phil:I'm sorry, Aunt HeIen. My shower's broken. / UncIe PhiI fixed it.

Will:"I was trapped in a bathroom with my naked aunt."

Helen:I bet the hussy has a weave.

Helen:If the rooster ain't crowing in the henhouse... he must be cock-a-doodIing in the barn.

Lester:When that job went south, weII, my doodIe went with it.

Will:They doing it.

Uncle Phil:No. Because we're moving and we're not gonna teII you where.

Vivian:I don't think it was the Fourth of JuIy, but I do remember fireworks.

Monique:But, Monique, we do not have the bathing suits.

Will:No probIem, neither do we.

Will · Uncle Phil · Carlton · Vivian:WiII! / Father! / CarIton! / Mother!

Helen · Hillary:Don't make me have to get ethnic on you! / I'm just so excited.

Will:You're staying at the Howard Johnson.