A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The

Geoffrey:Really? I hadn't noticed.

Geoffrey:You people don't pay me enough for this.

Geoffrey:Then you couldn't possibly feel me do this.

Uncle Phil:Honey, I'm home. Hey, Lucy.

Carlton:Yeah, and George Bush is really looking forward to playing with his grandchildren.

Will:But I bet you do, right?

Will:Good, Aunt Vivian. Good, Aunt Vivian. Here, beg for a Scooby Snack.

Will:I don't know, Aunt Viv. Seem to me all that heavy breathing is what got you in this mess in the first place.

Uncle Phil:Still hurts.

Will:Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Aunt Viv. Now this is the most straight-up, honest dude I know. The day that he lies to you, may all my hair fall out.

Will:Oh, my God, is my hairline receding?

Vivian:Freeze, bubble-butt!

Vivian:Good answer, Admiral Stockdale.

Geoffrey:Pop a Midol.

Hilary · Carlton · Ashley:Sorry, homework. - Tennis lesson. I just don't want to.

Will:Look, Aunt Viv, if I was one of your kids... I'd be short with a square head...

Will:Well, that's cool. Go, Vivian. Get busy, have a baby.

Will:Man, she is all that. She's fine. She's one of The Fat Boys.

Danny:Hey, you know, can you do me a favor? I have not seen my feet since Lent. Can you tell me, do my shoes match? No. Damn.

Danny:No, he's in Mexico. - On vacation? No, on his secretary. But don't worry, he's not having a good time. I filled his thong with BenGay.

Will · Danny:You're the Danny Mitchell? Wait, hold it. I heard Charles Barkley on the radio talking about... him and Danny was gonna rumble in the parking lot... after the Laker game. He won't show up, that wuss.

Will · Danny:You need some help there, Danny? - Why, you got a forklift?

Vivian · Uncle Phil:No, you don't. You just don't want to sleep on the couch, Philip. I hate sleeping on that thing. It's all lumpy.

Uncle Phil:It doesn't sound miraculous. It sounds yucky.

Vivian:You should have thought about that seven months ago... before that second bottle of wine, Philip.

Danny · Will:Are they always like this? - No, sometimes they fight.

Will:It was hype. Like, Worthy passes to Vlade. Vlade back to Byron Scott. Byron Scott back to Vlade. Vlade gets the ball back to Worthy. Worthy gets it, stuffs, pop. The Lakers win the game!

Will · Danny:You know what the high point of the game was for me, huh? What? When you punched Jack Nicholson in the nose for touching your stomach?

Danny:Indigestion. I guess I shouldn't have had that third chili dog, huh?

Danny · Tony:My water broke. That's cool. We got another one, right here in the fridge.

Tony:I just had the car cleaned. Can't you hold it for a couple of hours?

Tony:Hey, I have feelings, you know.

Danny:It's kind of like trying to squeeze Della Reese out of a Hyundai!

Will · Danny:Oh, my God. They're 10 seconds apart. You're having a baby. You think?

Hilary:Well, I hope you're all happy. Now I'm gonna have a big, ugly, red circle in the middle of my forehead. I'll look just like Carlton's yearbook picture.

Danny:I'm going through all this in the back of a limo... because of what went on in the back of my Jeep.

Will:Wow, I got to get me a Jeep.

Danny:I don't want to drink it. I want you to smack me over the head with it! - What? - Just until I pass out.

Danny:This baby's on its way, and I think it's bringing luggage.

Danny:If I run really fast... I can get back to the Forum and have my baby on the floor... of a ladies' room with some dignity.

Danny:I broke a nail. What the hell do you think?

Tony:I was looking for a doctor, and I found an M.D. License plate. I yanked the guy out of his car, and then I realized M.D. Stands for Mike Ditka.

Danny:I got to make a phone call. I suddenly miss my mother.

Danny:Focus? I don't want to focus. I want drugs! Now, get out in that parking lot and score!

Will:Danny, think of it as the World Series, all right? All right, Alomar is rounding third. Here comes the throw. - Slide, Danny, slide.

Doctor · Danny:You want to hold him? No. No, thanks. I'll wait till somebody run him through a car wash or something.

Will:Get busy. Put your thing down. It's your birthday.

Uncle Phil · Will:As you know, Will, I have a separation in my lower lumbar area... and the couch is perfect to align my... - She threw you out, huh? You got that right.

Uncle Phil:I really want to be in the room when you give birth. Not just because you want me there... but because I want to be the first person our baby sees upside down.

Phil:But because I want to be the first person our baby sees upside down.

Vivian:But, I'm afraid, honey, that I'm gonna have to kill you, anyway.